True Facts

When you buy a roast there is a thingy on the bottom, kind of like a maxi pad, you’re not supposed to cook that thing
The stuff inside of the chicken or turkey is not stuffing, its necks n guts.
I have no Idea why they put that nasty shit inside there in the first place but its supposed to be removed before you cook the bird.
If you get hit between the eyes just right you can get two black eyes.
Always point the bottle of Andre’s away from your face even when you’re just removing the wire cage thingy because that plastic cork can pop at any second, hit you between the eyes and you might get two black eyes.
The powdered stuff in the dark brown can marked “HERSHEY’S” is not hot chocolate.
I’m not exactly sure what it is, I think its for baking, all I know is that it tastes like crap.
Pie cherries in a can taste nothing like cherry pie, not sure what ya gotta do to em to make em taste like cherry pie but take my word for it, just because the can says pie cherries doesn’t mean there is cherry pie filling inside.
If your baby chokes, even a little bit, on a bone from a boneless chicken strip you got at Jack in the Box, well that’s worth approximately 500 bucks.
Falling up the stairs can hurt just as much, if not more than falling down the stairs.
Most people are more likable and better looking online than they are in person.
Three out of 5 men in the bar have a condom in their wallet that they should have already used but didn’t, is most likely expired and has a warning label that says “store in a cool dry place”.
Men don’t seem to know that the inside of a wallet that is inside a back pocket probably isn’t the coolest or driest of places. Its not a good idea to drink milk at someone else’s house unless you bought the milk yourself.
No matter how many times you back up the dustpan, there will still be a little line of dust on the floor
Even if they haven’t a fucking clue as to what you just said, people that do not speeka dee ingleesh, will usually nod their heads in agreement and either say “OK” or “Yes”.
Which can cause problems later because they actually had no Idea what it was they agreed to or agreed to do.
No matter what people that have been in jail say, the wrappers from tampons and pages from the bible do not make good rolling papers.
Its probably a good idea to come up with an excuse ahead of time for unforeseen incidents
like if your kids find that inflatable woman with the beer holder on her head and blow her up so they can use her as a floatation device in the kiddy pool out in the front yard and the neighbors happen to see
Or if they find 4 cans of fluorescent road paint and paint their little brother along with all the mailboxes, fences and cars in the neighborhood.
Taking the kids to the elderly couple’s house next door to admit what they have done in hopes of teaching them a lesson probably wont work because the old lady will just give them a candy bar or some cookies and a hug.
If you want your whites to have that faded tie-dyed look just have a kid toss a box of crayons into the dryer.
If you see your toddler with a tiny slug on the tip of his finger, don’t tell him to “flick it” because he will probably think you said “lick it” and …well you get the idea.
Never go outside during a thunderstorm and hold a shovel and a pair of gardening sheers up in the air while your kid is in the bathtub because your shovel or your sheers might get hit by lightning and toss you three or so feet where you land flat on your back semi conscience and the neighbor might call 911 and by the time you realize what is going on your poor kid is sitting naked in a tub full of freezing cold bathwater.