I had just bought a new house
it had to be inspected
there was no lock on the back door
so before the inspector got there
I thought I would go the cheapest route to a quick fix
and I bought a 2 dollar padlock and a chain lock thingy
I put the padlock on the outside of the back door which leads to the sun porch and then to the kitchen
I then walked around to the front door and thru the kitchen into the sun porch to install the door chain lock thingy
it was 97 degrees outside and probably 200 in the porch
anyway, I closed the kitchen door so the unbearable heat from the sun porch wouldn’t get in the house.............
THE KITCHEN DOOR WAS LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE!!
THE DOOR TO THE OUTSIDE WAS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH A HUGE PADLOCK THAT HAD 3 INCH SCREWS HOLDING IT IN!!!
I was stuck in there
it was about 2 pm, and the kids weren’t going to be home until 5:30.
I had to do something,
I was drenched and I'd only been in there like 5 minutes.
I was sure I would die if I stayed in there a second longer.
I made a decision.
I would break down the door and buy a new one with a proper lock on it.
looking around all I saw was a 3/4 inch 6 foot by 4 foot piece of plywood, a couple of kids books, a broom from the dollar store and I had a small screw driver.
So I started to pull at the door, the handle came right off!
This is no good
I gotta have something to grab onto so I can wedge my screw driver in there and pry the door enough to slide the plywood in there and bust out.
I used a screw from the chain lock to hold the knob in place
I pried at the door with a book called "the rainbow fish" and the book broke
I pried at the door with a small screwdriver, it broke,
I pried at the door with a dollar store broom, it also broke but I got a space that the plywood fit into and I busted out at about 3:20 pm.
I was soaked in sweat and could hardly breathe but the inspector would be here in the morning so I had to fix the door.
It wasn’t broken that bad, I told myself.
I reattached the padlock with longer screws and reinforcement, I locked it, I went inside thru the front and into the sun porch thru the kitchen door......................totally forgot until the moment that I heard the door click shut all the way.
that THE KITCHEN DOOR IS LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE!!!!
THE DOOR TO THE OUTSIDE WAS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH A HUGE NEWLY REINFORCED PADLOCK
I’m stuck
Again
Rainyday Superstar
Posts
All Comments
Oh No
Oh No
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Theif!
I was 17
Maybe 18
I had just gotten an apartment in Seattle
A room really
Had to share the bathroom with the other people on my floor
My first night there was uneventful
I watched the late show on my 4 inch B&W TV/radio
Then I fell asleep
I woke up to someone knocking which seemed odd since no one knew
I was even living there
It was a man
He looked about 30
Short
Kind of chubby
Freckles
Glasses
Nose hair
Round face
Ugly
Not at all my type
He had a tray with coffee and tea
He said he wanted to welcome me to the building
I had to pee
I told him I had to go down the hall to the bathroom and that I would be right back
When I came back he acted weird
Very different from the cheerful chubby dork that I left there just a few minutes ago
Like he was in a huge hurry
He said he hoped I enjoyed the coffee or tea, whichever I preferred and he left
I was glad he left
I don’t like company first thing in the morning
Especially from ugly fat little strangers
I drank the coffee
And the tea
Later I was deciding what I would put where
I had only one suitcase
One laundry basket
A 4inch TV
A night stand
A dresser
A can of forest green house paint
And a bed
But I still wanted to rearrange the room
I noticed the tray and the cups sitting on the dresser
I didn’t want that guy coming back so I decided to return it
I knocked on the door
I could hear someone in there
It was taking forever for him to answer tho
I knocked again
Louder this time
He finally came to the door
He was all sweaty
Wearing nothing but a pair of red 70’s looking shorts that were too short with white piping around the edges
His hair was wet
His face was red
His hands were behind his back
I thought “what a fuckin' weird guy, I bet he never gets laid”
I said “here’s your stuff” and handed it to him
When he reached for it he dropped something from behind his back
I looked down at the floor
It was MY underwear!
From my laundry basket
That fuckin' ugly, chubby, little, round-faced pervert stole my panties when I was in the bathroom.
I bent down and picked up my panties
I looked at him and said “these are mine”
He started to stutter
I said “never mind, keep em, I don’t want 'em anymore and you'd better stay the fuck away from me”
As I started back down the hall he followed
Explaining how he planned to return the panties and begging me not to report him to the building manager because he would get kicked out
Apparently he had stolen panties from other tenants in the past
He was such an ugly little guy
I felt sorry for him
For a second I even thought about giving him some more underwear because he seemed so pathetic
But I changed my mind and I told him he wouldn’t get a second chance and that not only would I report him but also that I was only 17 and had many older friends to look out for me
Ant if they were to get wind of the chubby little panty stealing perv they might be tempted to bash his chubby ugly little round face in.
He did seem quite frightened
Strange thing is
In the 3 months I lived there
I never saw that guy again
But someone did write some not so nice words about him on his door
Who knows?
Maybe he fashioned a rope from stolen undies and hung himself in that room down the hall
That’s what I would have done if I was him
Maybe 18
I had just gotten an apartment in Seattle
A room really
Had to share the bathroom with the other people on my floor
My first night there was uneventful
I watched the late show on my 4 inch B&W TV/radio
Then I fell asleep
I woke up to someone knocking which seemed odd since no one knew
I was even living there
It was a man
He looked about 30
Short
Kind of chubby
Freckles
Glasses
Nose hair
Round face
Ugly
Not at all my type
He had a tray with coffee and tea
He said he wanted to welcome me to the building
I had to pee
I told him I had to go down the hall to the bathroom and that I would be right back
When I came back he acted weird
Very different from the cheerful chubby dork that I left there just a few minutes ago
Like he was in a huge hurry
He said he hoped I enjoyed the coffee or tea, whichever I preferred and he left
I was glad he left
I don’t like company first thing in the morning
Especially from ugly fat little strangers
I drank the coffee
And the tea
Later I was deciding what I would put where
I had only one suitcase
One laundry basket
A 4inch TV
A night stand
A dresser
A can of forest green house paint
And a bed
But I still wanted to rearrange the room
I noticed the tray and the cups sitting on the dresser
I didn’t want that guy coming back so I decided to return it
I knocked on the door
I could hear someone in there
It was taking forever for him to answer tho
I knocked again
Louder this time
He finally came to the door
He was all sweaty
Wearing nothing but a pair of red 70’s looking shorts that were too short with white piping around the edges
His hair was wet
His face was red
His hands were behind his back
I thought “what a fuckin' weird guy, I bet he never gets laid”
I said “here’s your stuff” and handed it to him
When he reached for it he dropped something from behind his back
I looked down at the floor
It was MY underwear!
From my laundry basket
That fuckin' ugly, chubby, little, round-faced pervert stole my panties when I was in the bathroom.
I bent down and picked up my panties
I looked at him and said “these are mine”
He started to stutter
I said “never mind, keep em, I don’t want 'em anymore and you'd better stay the fuck away from me”
As I started back down the hall he followed
Explaining how he planned to return the panties and begging me not to report him to the building manager because he would get kicked out
Apparently he had stolen panties from other tenants in the past
He was such an ugly little guy
I felt sorry for him
For a second I even thought about giving him some more underwear because he seemed so pathetic
But I changed my mind and I told him he wouldn’t get a second chance and that not only would I report him but also that I was only 17 and had many older friends to look out for me
Ant if they were to get wind of the chubby little panty stealing perv they might be tempted to bash his chubby ugly little round face in.
He did seem quite frightened
Strange thing is
In the 3 months I lived there
I never saw that guy again
But someone did write some not so nice words about him on his door
Who knows?
Maybe he fashioned a rope from stolen undies and hung himself in that room down the hall
That’s what I would have done if I was him
True Facts
When you buy a roast there is a thingy on the bottom, kind of like a maxi pad, you’re not supposed to cook that thing
The stuff inside of the chicken or turkey is not stuffing, its necks n guts.
I have no Idea why they put that nasty shit inside there in the first place but its supposed to be removed before you cook the bird.
If you get hit between the eyes just right you can get two black eyes.
Always point the bottle of Andre’s away from your face even when you’re just removing the wire cage thingy because that plastic cork can pop at any second, hit you between the eyes and you might get two black eyes.
The powdered stuff in the dark brown can marked “HERSHEY’S” is not hot chocolate.
I’m not exactly sure what it is, I think its for baking, all I know is that it tastes like crap.
Pie cherries in a can taste nothing like cherry pie, not sure what ya gotta do to em to make em taste like cherry pie but take my word for it, just because the can says pie cherries doesn’t mean there is cherry pie filling inside.
If your baby chokes, even a little bit, on a bone from a boneless chicken strip you got at Jack in the Box, well that’s worth approximately 500 bucks.
Falling up the stairs can hurt just as much, if not more than falling down the stairs.
Most people are more likable and better looking online than they are in person.
Three out of 5 men in the bar have a condom in their wallet that they should have already used but didn’t, is most likely expired and has a warning label that says “store in a cool dry place”.
Men don’t seem to know that the inside of a wallet that is inside a back pocket probably isn’t the coolest or driest of places. Its not a good idea to drink milk at someone else’s house unless you bought the milk yourself.
No matter how many times you back up the dustpan, there will still be a little line of dust on the floor
Even if they haven’t a fucking clue as to what you just said, people that do not speeka dee ingleesh, will usually nod their heads in agreement and either say “OK” or “Yes”.
Which can cause problems later because they actually had no Idea what it was they agreed to or agreed to do.
No matter what people that have been in jail say, the wrappers from tampons and pages from the bible do not make good rolling papers.
Its probably a good idea to come up with an excuse ahead of time for unforeseen incidents
like if your kids find that inflatable woman with the beer holder on her head and blow her up so they can use her as a floatation device in the kiddy pool out in the front yard and the neighbors happen to see
Or if they find 4 cans of fluorescent road paint and paint their little brother along with all the mailboxes, fences and cars in the neighborhood.
Taking the kids to the elderly couple’s house next door to admit what they have done in hopes of teaching them a lesson probably wont work because the old lady will just give them a candy bar or some cookies and a hug.
If you want your whites to have that faded tie-dyed look just have a kid toss a box of crayons into the dryer.
If you see your toddler with a tiny slug on the tip of his finger, don’t tell him to “flick it” because he will probably think you said “lick it” and …well you get the idea.
Never go outside during a thunderstorm and hold a shovel and a pair of gardening sheers up in the air while your kid is in the bathtub because your shovel or your sheers might get hit by lightning and toss you three or so feet where you land flat on your back semi conscience and the neighbor might call 911 and by the time you realize what is going on your poor kid is sitting naked in a tub full of freezing cold bathwater.
The stuff inside of the chicken or turkey is not stuffing, its necks n guts.
I have no Idea why they put that nasty shit inside there in the first place but its supposed to be removed before you cook the bird.
If you get hit between the eyes just right you can get two black eyes.
Always point the bottle of Andre’s away from your face even when you’re just removing the wire cage thingy because that plastic cork can pop at any second, hit you between the eyes and you might get two black eyes.
The powdered stuff in the dark brown can marked “HERSHEY’S” is not hot chocolate.
I’m not exactly sure what it is, I think its for baking, all I know is that it tastes like crap.
Pie cherries in a can taste nothing like cherry pie, not sure what ya gotta do to em to make em taste like cherry pie but take my word for it, just because the can says pie cherries doesn’t mean there is cherry pie filling inside.
If your baby chokes, even a little bit, on a bone from a boneless chicken strip you got at Jack in the Box, well that’s worth approximately 500 bucks.
Falling up the stairs can hurt just as much, if not more than falling down the stairs.
Most people are more likable and better looking online than they are in person.
Three out of 5 men in the bar have a condom in their wallet that they should have already used but didn’t, is most likely expired and has a warning label that says “store in a cool dry place”.
Men don’t seem to know that the inside of a wallet that is inside a back pocket probably isn’t the coolest or driest of places. Its not a good idea to drink milk at someone else’s house unless you bought the milk yourself.
No matter how many times you back up the dustpan, there will still be a little line of dust on the floor
Even if they haven’t a fucking clue as to what you just said, people that do not speeka dee ingleesh, will usually nod their heads in agreement and either say “OK” or “Yes”.
Which can cause problems later because they actually had no Idea what it was they agreed to or agreed to do.
No matter what people that have been in jail say, the wrappers from tampons and pages from the bible do not make good rolling papers.
Its probably a good idea to come up with an excuse ahead of time for unforeseen incidents
like if your kids find that inflatable woman with the beer holder on her head and blow her up so they can use her as a floatation device in the kiddy pool out in the front yard and the neighbors happen to see
Or if they find 4 cans of fluorescent road paint and paint their little brother along with all the mailboxes, fences and cars in the neighborhood.
Taking the kids to the elderly couple’s house next door to admit what they have done in hopes of teaching them a lesson probably wont work because the old lady will just give them a candy bar or some cookies and a hug.
If you want your whites to have that faded tie-dyed look just have a kid toss a box of crayons into the dryer.
If you see your toddler with a tiny slug on the tip of his finger, don’t tell him to “flick it” because he will probably think you said “lick it” and …well you get the idea.
Never go outside during a thunderstorm and hold a shovel and a pair of gardening sheers up in the air while your kid is in the bathtub because your shovel or your sheers might get hit by lightning and toss you three or so feet where you land flat on your back semi conscience and the neighbor might call 911 and by the time you realize what is going on your poor kid is sitting naked in a tub full of freezing cold bathwater.
Pieces of Me
When I was 10 I had two friends
Make that three
Cindy Weyna
Nyla Smith
And Becky Dickey
They didn’t like each other
We weren’t a group
They had to take turns being my friend
No one ever likes to share me
Anyway
Cindy was a bit of a goody two shoes
She had a little sister named Diana
They were rarely allowed out of their fenced yard
Diana was two years younger than Cindy and me
She was also way bigger
And one day she was sitting on the love seat in front of me and her arms were resting over her head
I saw something that frightened me
She had hair!
Under her arms!
She was only like 8 years old
It not only grossed me out but I was afraid it would happen to me
It didn’t tho
At least not for a very very long time
I didn’t even grow pubic hair til I was 19
Cindy wore glasses and had long think dark hair
She never got in trouble
Unlike me
I was always in big trouble
Then there was Becky
Becky was the youngest kid in house full of grown brothers and sisters
Her mom worked so she had much freedom
Kind of like me only she had a curfew
I hung out with Becky most
I used to think Becky and her family were rich
They had cable TV and an answering machine
Plus their house was made from bricks
Becky had bad teeth, ate mayonnaise sandwiches and played the cello
And Nyla was the second oldest of 8 or 9 kids
Their house was confusing and chaotic to me
3 year olds, teens, BB guns, Barbie dolls…
Her mom was white and her dad (who we rarely ever saw) was black
Which was rare in the part of west Seattle that we lived
I used to like a boy named Scott Anderson
I would make my dog run passed his house and pretend she got away , chase after her back and forth in front of his house til he came out to help me catch her
Once Scott asked me “will you go with me?”
I said “go where?”
He repeated the question
I repeated mine
Then he said never mind
The next day my friend Becky told me she and Scott were boyfriend and girlfriend
That they were “going together”
I finally understood what had happened
I thought if I explained to her that it was me who Scott really wanted to go with, she would understand
But not only did she not understand
She didn’t even believe me
That day after school Scott, Becky and I hung out at the park
They went off in the bushes to kiss a few times
I had a hard time with that
I knew he liked me more
Why was he kissing her?
Even tho I could tell they were trying to be alone
I stayed close by all day
Then it was finally curfew time for Becky
YAY
We walked her home
They kissed again
I nearly horked
Then Scott said he would walk me home
He was pushing his bike all day because Becky and I were on foot
But while “walking” me home he rode it
He rode slowly enough that I could keep up
But he wasn’t walking next to me like I thought he should have been
On the way he said he would tell me something if I promised not to tell Becky
I promised
But I had my fingers crossed
He told me that I was his first choice but she lived closer
I wanted to beat him up
Then he asked me if he could kiss me
I wanted to say yes
But I didn’t
instead I knocked him off his bike
I kicked in the spokes
I told him I hated him and I wouldn’t kiss him even if he was a kitten
Then I ran home and cried myself to sleep
All alone
With only my beloved Mick Jagger poster to comfort me
The next day I tried to talk to my friend Nyla about it but she didn’t seem to understand at all
We had a sort of culture gap she and I
She liked Stevie Wonder and Menudo
I liked Queen and The Bay City Rollers
That was 4th and 5th grade
We were all in the same class at E.C. Hughes Elementary
The summer between 5th and 6th grade I moved
To Lower Skyway
I hated it
I tried to stay in touch with my 3 friends but after a while we lost touch
Cindy became a drug addict/alcoholic
Becky got married and had kids at a very early age
Nyla joined the Navy and lived in Hawaii
Me, I ran away from home, traveled this country and few others, got strung out, went to jail, got clean, got married, got divorced, had kids and stuff.
I recently called Cindy’s parents house
They still live there
Still have the same number
All 3 of their phone numbers are still in my head to this day
I left a message w/ her mom but I doubt she’ll ever get it
The two and a half years I spent on 29th and Holden in West Seattle were the best times of my life
That’s the longest we has ever lived anywhere
We played in the sand pits
That's where I got stuck in wet mud that we thought was quick sand and had to crawl out of my pants and shoes to get out
That's also where I was stung by 56 hornets on the same day
Little word of advice: Just because you block the hole in hornet's nest in the ground doesn't mean they cant get out
I played baseball
There was a block party every 4th
I remember in 79 when the Seattle Supersonics won the championship
There was a block party then too
We had a park about a half block away
With a wading pool
I had a plastic banana shaped skateboard
I loved that wading pool
We listened to Queen's Another one bites the dust because it was the long running number 1 song
And The knack, Gary Newman, Billy Joel, Captain and toenail... I had all the K-tel records
I ran around free, no one to boss me around
My mom worked
Or at least that's where I believed her to be at the time
Wherever she was, it wasn't at home
I went swimming
Oh yeah swimming
I walked about 4 miles almost every single day after school
Even in the middle of winter
To the southwest community center
With my lunch money
So I could go swimming
Most of the time I was the only person there
I went because I had a crush on a lifeguard
I liked him because he talked to me like I was already grown up
And he had a nice smile
When he moved to another job
I quit swimming
I had a cat that I had had since I was 5
Her name was Daisy
I also had a bunny
Snowball (he came with that name)
Snowball was a show bunny
He had a tattoo in his ear that said R1D2
He was in love with Daisy
And she didn't seem to mind
That bunny would hump that cat
when he wasn't humping the cat
He was following her around trying to hump her
We also had two Irish setters when we lived there
Penny and Casey
We got penny when we lived in Federal way a few years earlier
We brought her with us when we moved to an apartment in the projects near Seward Park
Penny obviously didn’t like living in the hood
She took off
For almost a year
Then the weirdest thing happened
The day we were moving to West Seattle
The last truckload of stuff
Here comes Penny
Like she was just waiting all that time to leave the projects
We got Casey after we moved to West Seattle
They had 12 pups
Then Casey got mange
And I know my mom and Step Dad had him put to sleep rather than deal with it even tho they claimed to have given him to someone that would take care of him
When the last puppy was gone Penny quit eating
She quit barking at the doorbell
She quit everything
She just lay on the floor
For almost two weeks
I tried to stay near her
She seemed so sad and so sick
Then one night there was a skating party
I didn’t want to leave Penny but everyone was going to be at Skate King and I wanted to go so bad
I went
I had a great time
But when we came in the door
Penny wasn’t there
We found her in my room
Dead
Looked like she fell off the bed or something
Her legs were all twisted
I was too sad to even cry
She died because we got rid of her family
And because I went skating
She died of loneliness
I hated my mom for not letting Penny keep one of her babies
My mom tried to say that Penny was poisoned
Like that would make it all ok
That same summer we bought a picknik set from a truck on the street
We were having a BBQ
My mom's friend "Big Dave" was there
He weighed over 500 pounds
He sat on our new bench and it broke right in half
took 4 grown men to get him off the ground
I was in big trouble
as usual
this time for laughing at Fat ass Dave's misfortune
Well I guess that’s enough for now
I don’t even know what this is all about
Other than I was in west Seattle a few days ago and just being there brought back a lot of memories
I still think things would have been different
Different in a better way
Had we not moved away from there
I wonder if the live Christmas Tree I insisted we get is still planted in the front yard of 7224 29th S. W..
I wish I could afford to raise my boys there
Make that three
Cindy Weyna
Nyla Smith
And Becky Dickey
They didn’t like each other
We weren’t a group
They had to take turns being my friend
No one ever likes to share me
Anyway
Cindy was a bit of a goody two shoes
She had a little sister named Diana
They were rarely allowed out of their fenced yard
Diana was two years younger than Cindy and me
She was also way bigger
And one day she was sitting on the love seat in front of me and her arms were resting over her head
I saw something that frightened me
She had hair!
Under her arms!
She was only like 8 years old
It not only grossed me out but I was afraid it would happen to me
It didn’t tho
At least not for a very very long time
I didn’t even grow pubic hair til I was 19
Cindy wore glasses and had long think dark hair
She never got in trouble
Unlike me
I was always in big trouble
Then there was Becky
Becky was the youngest kid in house full of grown brothers and sisters
Her mom worked so she had much freedom
Kind of like me only she had a curfew
I hung out with Becky most
I used to think Becky and her family were rich
They had cable TV and an answering machine
Plus their house was made from bricks
Becky had bad teeth, ate mayonnaise sandwiches and played the cello
And Nyla was the second oldest of 8 or 9 kids
Their house was confusing and chaotic to me
3 year olds, teens, BB guns, Barbie dolls…
Her mom was white and her dad (who we rarely ever saw) was black
Which was rare in the part of west Seattle that we lived
I used to like a boy named Scott Anderson
I would make my dog run passed his house and pretend she got away , chase after her back and forth in front of his house til he came out to help me catch her
Once Scott asked me “will you go with me?”
I said “go where?”
He repeated the question
I repeated mine
Then he said never mind
The next day my friend Becky told me she and Scott were boyfriend and girlfriend
That they were “going together”
I finally understood what had happened
I thought if I explained to her that it was me who Scott really wanted to go with, she would understand
But not only did she not understand
She didn’t even believe me
That day after school Scott, Becky and I hung out at the park
They went off in the bushes to kiss a few times
I had a hard time with that
I knew he liked me more
Why was he kissing her?
Even tho I could tell they were trying to be alone
I stayed close by all day
Then it was finally curfew time for Becky
YAY
We walked her home
They kissed again
I nearly horked
Then Scott said he would walk me home
He was pushing his bike all day because Becky and I were on foot
But while “walking” me home he rode it
He rode slowly enough that I could keep up
But he wasn’t walking next to me like I thought he should have been
On the way he said he would tell me something if I promised not to tell Becky
I promised
But I had my fingers crossed
He told me that I was his first choice but she lived closer
I wanted to beat him up
Then he asked me if he could kiss me
I wanted to say yes
But I didn’t
instead I knocked him off his bike
I kicked in the spokes
I told him I hated him and I wouldn’t kiss him even if he was a kitten
Then I ran home and cried myself to sleep
All alone
With only my beloved Mick Jagger poster to comfort me
The next day I tried to talk to my friend Nyla about it but she didn’t seem to understand at all
We had a sort of culture gap she and I
She liked Stevie Wonder and Menudo
I liked Queen and The Bay City Rollers
That was 4th and 5th grade
We were all in the same class at E.C. Hughes Elementary
The summer between 5th and 6th grade I moved
To Lower Skyway
I hated it
I tried to stay in touch with my 3 friends but after a while we lost touch
Cindy became a drug addict/alcoholic
Becky got married and had kids at a very early age
Nyla joined the Navy and lived in Hawaii
Me, I ran away from home, traveled this country and few others, got strung out, went to jail, got clean, got married, got divorced, had kids and stuff.
I recently called Cindy’s parents house
They still live there
Still have the same number
All 3 of their phone numbers are still in my head to this day
I left a message w/ her mom but I doubt she’ll ever get it
The two and a half years I spent on 29th and Holden in West Seattle were the best times of my life
That’s the longest we has ever lived anywhere
We played in the sand pits
That's where I got stuck in wet mud that we thought was quick sand and had to crawl out of my pants and shoes to get out
That's also where I was stung by 56 hornets on the same day
Little word of advice: Just because you block the hole in hornet's nest in the ground doesn't mean they cant get out
I played baseball
There was a block party every 4th
I remember in 79 when the Seattle Supersonics won the championship
There was a block party then too
We had a park about a half block away
With a wading pool
I had a plastic banana shaped skateboard
I loved that wading pool
We listened to Queen's Another one bites the dust because it was the long running number 1 song
And The knack, Gary Newman, Billy Joel, Captain and toenail... I had all the K-tel records
I ran around free, no one to boss me around
My mom worked
Or at least that's where I believed her to be at the time
Wherever she was, it wasn't at home
I went swimming
Oh yeah swimming
I walked about 4 miles almost every single day after school
Even in the middle of winter
To the southwest community center
With my lunch money
So I could go swimming
Most of the time I was the only person there
I went because I had a crush on a lifeguard
I liked him because he talked to me like I was already grown up
And he had a nice smile
When he moved to another job
I quit swimming
I had a cat that I had had since I was 5
Her name was Daisy
I also had a bunny
Snowball (he came with that name)
Snowball was a show bunny
He had a tattoo in his ear that said R1D2
He was in love with Daisy
And she didn't seem to mind
That bunny would hump that cat
when he wasn't humping the cat
He was following her around trying to hump her
We also had two Irish setters when we lived there
Penny and Casey
We got penny when we lived in Federal way a few years earlier
We brought her with us when we moved to an apartment in the projects near Seward Park
Penny obviously didn’t like living in the hood
She took off
For almost a year
Then the weirdest thing happened
The day we were moving to West Seattle
The last truckload of stuff
Here comes Penny
Like she was just waiting all that time to leave the projects
We got Casey after we moved to West Seattle
They had 12 pups
Then Casey got mange
And I know my mom and Step Dad had him put to sleep rather than deal with it even tho they claimed to have given him to someone that would take care of him
When the last puppy was gone Penny quit eating
She quit barking at the doorbell
She quit everything
She just lay on the floor
For almost two weeks
I tried to stay near her
She seemed so sad and so sick
Then one night there was a skating party
I didn’t want to leave Penny but everyone was going to be at Skate King and I wanted to go so bad
I went
I had a great time
But when we came in the door
Penny wasn’t there
We found her in my room
Dead
Looked like she fell off the bed or something
Her legs were all twisted
I was too sad to even cry
She died because we got rid of her family
And because I went skating
She died of loneliness
I hated my mom for not letting Penny keep one of her babies
My mom tried to say that Penny was poisoned
Like that would make it all ok
That same summer we bought a picknik set from a truck on the street
We were having a BBQ
My mom's friend "Big Dave" was there
He weighed over 500 pounds
He sat on our new bench and it broke right in half
took 4 grown men to get him off the ground
I was in big trouble
as usual
this time for laughing at Fat ass Dave's misfortune
Well I guess that’s enough for now
I don’t even know what this is all about
Other than I was in west Seattle a few days ago and just being there brought back a lot of memories
I still think things would have been different
Different in a better way
Had we not moved away from there
I wonder if the live Christmas Tree I insisted we get is still planted in the front yard of 7224 29th S. W..
I wish I could afford to raise my boys there
Oh no, not another learning experience
Yes
But this time the lesson isn't mine
I already know this stuff
1.Never marry a man just because he buys you a plastic glow in the dark yo-yo with an alien head on it.
2. Do not try to dry your socks in the microwave.
3. When someone offers to pay you back later do not say "don't worry about it"
4. If you are playing pool and someone is holding the chalk and saying "eww, this chalk smells funny" while holding it out towards your face, don't sniff it.
5. If the cage says not to stick your fingers in it.... just don't stick your fingers in it. What's so hard about that?
So yeah, I have had blue chalk on my nose, burn holes in my socks, band aids on my fingers and a lump on my forehead from that stupid glow in the dark yo-yo.
I'm divorced
People who should owe me money, don't anymore because the phrase "don't worry about it" pretty much means "you don't have to pay me back ....ever."
and as for number 6...
well I read that in Maxim Magazine ...................
and I did it all for you.
So you can learn from my mistakes.
You can thank me later
This learning experience has been brought to you today by Rainyday Superstar, the number one
And by the letter F
But this time the lesson isn't mine
I already know this stuff
1.Never marry a man just because he buys you a plastic glow in the dark yo-yo with an alien head on it.
2. Do not try to dry your socks in the microwave.
3. When someone offers to pay you back later do not say "don't worry about it"
4. If you are playing pool and someone is holding the chalk and saying "eww, this chalk smells funny" while holding it out towards your face, don't sniff it.
5. If the cage says not to stick your fingers in it.... just don't stick your fingers in it. What's so hard about that?
So yeah, I have had blue chalk on my nose, burn holes in my socks, band aids on my fingers and a lump on my forehead from that stupid glow in the dark yo-yo.
I'm divorced
People who should owe me money, don't anymore because the phrase "don't worry about it" pretty much means "you don't have to pay me back ....ever."
and as for number 6...
well I read that in Maxim Magazine ...................
and I did it all for you.
So you can learn from my mistakes.
You can thank me later
This learning experience has been brought to you today by Rainyday Superstar, the number one
And by the letter F
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Pilot and Me
I was only 15 (almost 16)
When I got my first apartment
Anyway
As you have probably heard I can’t, don’t, won’t cook
I never wanted to learn
I didn’t even know how to work the oven
It was a gas oven
I had no clue what that meant
I wanted to dry my shoes
It rains a lot in Seattle
My shoes were soaked and they were my only pair
I called the landlord
I pretended I was trying to work the oven so I could cook food
I didn’t want him to know I was drying shoes in there
I told him that when I turned the knob nothing happened
He said “the pilot must be out; just light it and the oven will come on”
I, not wanting to sound too stupid said “OK” instead of asking what a pilot was
So I thanked him and hung up the phone
Back in the dinky kitchen I inspected the entire oven
Looking for a label or sign or anything that said “PILOT” on it
There was nothing
So I turned all the knobs and held a lighter to the top of the stove
Well how bout that!
The stove lit It worked fine
The oven must work the same way
I turned on the oven
Opened it
Stuck my entire upper body, arm first, inside
Looking for the place where the gas shot out
Like it did on the stove
I could smell it but I couldn’t see where to light it
I lit the lighter thinking I could see better if I had a little light
WOOOOOOOOOOSH!
It made a sound like that
Kinda
It was HOT too
For the next 4 or 6 months I wore an ugly hat every single day
Because when I lit that lighter and that big ball of flames shot out
I burned my bangs off completely
Not to mention the hair on my arms
My eyebrows
And my eyelashes
People called me “that girl with the hat”
Much like they call me “That redhead” today
Anyway I still don’t know where they keep the pilot light on a gas oven
I never tried it again
The whole time I lived there I only used the stove
And my feet got all ooogy from wearing wet shoes all the time
When I got my first apartment
Anyway
As you have probably heard I can’t, don’t, won’t cook
I never wanted to learn
I didn’t even know how to work the oven
It was a gas oven
I had no clue what that meant
I wanted to dry my shoes
It rains a lot in Seattle
My shoes were soaked and they were my only pair
I called the landlord
I pretended I was trying to work the oven so I could cook food
I didn’t want him to know I was drying shoes in there
I told him that when I turned the knob nothing happened
He said “the pilot must be out; just light it and the oven will come on”
I, not wanting to sound too stupid said “OK” instead of asking what a pilot was
So I thanked him and hung up the phone
Back in the dinky kitchen I inspected the entire oven
Looking for a label or sign or anything that said “PILOT” on it
There was nothing
So I turned all the knobs and held a lighter to the top of the stove
Well how bout that!
The stove lit It worked fine
The oven must work the same way
I turned on the oven
Opened it
Stuck my entire upper body, arm first, inside
Looking for the place where the gas shot out
Like it did on the stove
I could smell it but I couldn’t see where to light it
I lit the lighter thinking I could see better if I had a little light
WOOOOOOOOOOSH!
It made a sound like that
Kinda
It was HOT too
For the next 4 or 6 months I wore an ugly hat every single day
Because when I lit that lighter and that big ball of flames shot out
I burned my bangs off completely
Not to mention the hair on my arms
My eyebrows
And my eyelashes
People called me “that girl with the hat”
Much like they call me “That redhead” today
Anyway I still don’t know where they keep the pilot light on a gas oven
I never tried it again
The whole time I lived there I only used the stove
And my feet got all ooogy from wearing wet shoes all the time
Lies
1. I don't masturbate - stupid and unbelievable but a harmless enough thing to lie about
2. I never pee in the shower - also unbelievable but still harmless enough
3. I'll be 29 on August first -- Untrue but more of a joke than a lie
Those are harmless enough lies
These are not
1. I love you - very hurtful, NEVER say this to anyone unless you mean it
2. Yes - also very hurtful. If someone asks you to do something that you know you aren't gonna do, say no for fucksake.
3. BRB - - famous last words
see the difference?
make notes if you have to
And please keep in mind that a mean truth is always better than a nice lie
2. I never pee in the shower - also unbelievable but still harmless enough
3. I'll be 29 on August first -- Untrue but more of a joke than a lie
Those are harmless enough lies
These are not
1. I love you - very hurtful, NEVER say this to anyone unless you mean it
2. Yes - also very hurtful. If someone asks you to do something that you know you aren't gonna do, say no for fucksake.
3. BRB - - famous last words
see the difference?
make notes if you have to
And please keep in mind that a mean truth is always better than a nice lie
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I named him Honus, after Jesus
I know I told these last few stories before but someone asked me to re-post I'm not sure where this was originally posted but I assume it MySpace somewhere between 05 and 07
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confession time
My longtime internet friends are used to these confessions
I used to do it thru a mass email
but the blog has given me a new place to unload
I’m not quite sure why I do it
Probably some residual effect from my few years in Catholic School
I just feel a need to confess every now and then
I probably would have kept this one to myself forever but I mentioned Honus In a previous blog entry
and the more I thought about him
the more I felt that need to confess
He was named after Jesus
You did know that Honus is what the H standsfor in "Jesus H Christ" right?
OK maybe I made that part up
But the rest is true
And carrying it around is quite a burdon
OK
Here goes....
I woke up in the morning and went out to the screen porch to let Honus outside and found that he was already gone
I was so worried
He was only 3 months old
And so naughty
I just knew he was going to get into trouble
Or worse He could be puppynapped!
We were living in a small town in West Central Hell AKA Browns Valley Minnesota
People there would go nuts over Honus being as he was a green eyed purebred Chocolate Lab
Everyone wanted him
They would say stupid shit like “Just a pet?
Or "What perfect waste of good hunting dog”
Well after worrying half the morning and organizing a small search party consisting of myself and my 3 boys
I finally found Honus
In the junk yard of all places
He was covered in god knows what
And stinking like a combination of chicken shit and skunk
The rest of that day was spent deskunkifying Honus and securing what I thought was an inescapable pen
The next morning I went to check on Honus and he was gone
In his place was a very large white Nike with a red stripe
It looked brand new
I had never seen it before
Who needs one shoe?
It was trash day
I tossed it
We found Honus later that morning
I found where he has escaped and I thought I fixed it pretty good
But the next morning there was no Honus
Instead there was a brown shoe
Not as big as the Nike I had found the day before but just as new
Same thing the following day only it was a small white moccasin
And the day after A blue sandal
When trash day came I had all these shoes in different sizes with no mates so I tossed em out
I ordered Honus a dog run since I was obviously the worlds worst dog pen builder but it would take 5 days to arrive
The next four or five days the mates to the shoes I had thrown away showed up at my house
I was bewildered
Then while taking Honus for a walk
I ran into a neighbor from down the block
He talked about the weather
He talked about how he had just gotten new carpet
And how he didn’t want anyone walking on it
How he had told his friends and family to leave their shoes outside on the porch
I suddenly realized where the shoes came from
I didn’t say a word I just listened to him accuse his next door neighbor of stealing the shoes because he was jealous of the new carpet
People from small Midwestern towns are very strange
The theft of the shoes became the talk of the town
I listened to the story about twenty times In the city liquor store
At the library
In the news office
At the café
At hardware hank’s
The tale got bigger and bigger
And the feud between the guy with the new carpet and his next door neighbor got more and more heated
To the point that the new carpet guy shot a hole thru the accused shoe thief’s new duck hunting boat and another thru his fish house
I never said a word about finding those shoes
And I snickered and smiled at Honus every time the subject of the feuding neighbors came up
Well that's a load off
Thanks
I feel better now
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confession time
My longtime internet friends are used to these confessions
I used to do it thru a mass email
but the blog has given me a new place to unload
I’m not quite sure why I do it
Probably some residual effect from my few years in Catholic School
I just feel a need to confess every now and then
I probably would have kept this one to myself forever but I mentioned Honus In a previous blog entry
and the more I thought about him
the more I felt that need to confess
He was named after Jesus
You did know that Honus is what the H standsfor in "Jesus H Christ" right?
OK maybe I made that part up
But the rest is true
And carrying it around is quite a burdon
OK
Here goes....
I woke up in the morning and went out to the screen porch to let Honus outside and found that he was already gone
I was so worried
He was only 3 months old
And so naughty
I just knew he was going to get into trouble
Or worse He could be puppynapped!
We were living in a small town in West Central Hell AKA Browns Valley Minnesota
People there would go nuts over Honus being as he was a green eyed purebred Chocolate Lab
Everyone wanted him
They would say stupid shit like “Just a pet?
Or "What perfect waste of good hunting dog”
Well after worrying half the morning and organizing a small search party consisting of myself and my 3 boys
I finally found Honus
In the junk yard of all places
He was covered in god knows what
And stinking like a combination of chicken shit and skunk
The rest of that day was spent deskunkifying Honus and securing what I thought was an inescapable pen
The next morning I went to check on Honus and he was gone
In his place was a very large white Nike with a red stripe
It looked brand new
I had never seen it before
Who needs one shoe?
It was trash day
I tossed it
We found Honus later that morning
I found where he has escaped and I thought I fixed it pretty good
But the next morning there was no Honus
Instead there was a brown shoe
Not as big as the Nike I had found the day before but just as new
Same thing the following day only it was a small white moccasin
And the day after A blue sandal
When trash day came I had all these shoes in different sizes with no mates so I tossed em out
I ordered Honus a dog run since I was obviously the worlds worst dog pen builder but it would take 5 days to arrive
The next four or five days the mates to the shoes I had thrown away showed up at my house
I was bewildered
Then while taking Honus for a walk
I ran into a neighbor from down the block
He talked about the weather
He talked about how he had just gotten new carpet
And how he didn’t want anyone walking on it
How he had told his friends and family to leave their shoes outside on the porch
I suddenly realized where the shoes came from
I didn’t say a word I just listened to him accuse his next door neighbor of stealing the shoes because he was jealous of the new carpet
People from small Midwestern towns are very strange
The theft of the shoes became the talk of the town
I listened to the story about twenty times In the city liquor store
At the library
In the news office
At the café
At hardware hank’s
The tale got bigger and bigger
And the feud between the guy with the new carpet and his next door neighbor got more and more heated
To the point that the new carpet guy shot a hole thru the accused shoe thief’s new duck hunting boat and another thru his fish house
I never said a word about finding those shoes
And I snickered and smiled at Honus every time the subject of the feuding neighbors came up
Well that's a load off
Thanks
I feel better now
The Salt of the Earth
(first posted on myspace mid 05)
I was in the 7th grade
I had recently transferred to Dimmitt Middle School
From Southshore
Dimmitt was mostly white kids
I had spent most of that school year at Southshore where most of the kids were black
I was used to changing schools though
And used to fitting in
I changed schools at least once a year and sometimes more
It was nearly summer
I only had 6 weeks til summer vacation
The white girls at Dimmitt were very different from the white girls at Southshore
They didn't wear make-up
They didn't sneak out at night
They were "good-girls"
Or they were until I got there
Or so I was told
I took the blame for them becoming "regular teenagers"
The first of the three suspensions I received during the 6 weeks I spent at Dimmitt came only ten days after I started.
I was in the bathroom with about 6 other girls
Teaching them how to heat the black eyeliner in the red pencil with a match so that it would go on way too dark
Because at the time, that was the way to do it
A teacher came in and chased us out because the bell had already rung
About 10 minutes later someone came and pulled me from class
Apparently there was fire somewhere in a garbage can
I started no fire
But I had matches
The principal wanted to paddle me
But I told him to get fucked
There was no way in hell I was gonna bend over so some big perverted asshole could check out my ass and paddle me with a wooden board with holes in it
I was suspended, accused, charged and convicted of arson
I received community service
I was to work at the fire station in Skyway
As you may know, firemen have much free time since there aren't all that many fires in any given day
There was nothing for me to do there but play video games help wash the already clean trucks and fall in love with about three of the firefighters
It was almost summer
They would take off their shirts to wash the trucks
We would have water fights
I remember spending hours getting ready to go do my community service
The guys were so nice to me
They bought me fried chicken and Popsicles
The always acted happy when I arrived
Always smiled at me
And when my time was up they all gave me big hugs (even tho I wanted kisses)
Today while trying my best to muster up a good childhood memory
The three weeks I spent at that fire station is all that came to mind
My Gran used to say "Firemen are the salt of the earth"
I didn't know what it meant but I knew it was something very good
Then again she also said that very same thing about cops
Ummmmm
That's all
I was in the 7th grade
I had recently transferred to Dimmitt Middle School
From Southshore
Dimmitt was mostly white kids
I had spent most of that school year at Southshore where most of the kids were black
I was used to changing schools though
And used to fitting in
I changed schools at least once a year and sometimes more
It was nearly summer
I only had 6 weeks til summer vacation
The white girls at Dimmitt were very different from the white girls at Southshore
They didn't wear make-up
They didn't sneak out at night
They were "good-girls"
Or they were until I got there
Or so I was told
I took the blame for them becoming "regular teenagers"
The first of the three suspensions I received during the 6 weeks I spent at Dimmitt came only ten days after I started.
I was in the bathroom with about 6 other girls
Teaching them how to heat the black eyeliner in the red pencil with a match so that it would go on way too dark
Because at the time, that was the way to do it
A teacher came in and chased us out because the bell had already rung
About 10 minutes later someone came and pulled me from class
Apparently there was fire somewhere in a garbage can
I started no fire
But I had matches
The principal wanted to paddle me
But I told him to get fucked
There was no way in hell I was gonna bend over so some big perverted asshole could check out my ass and paddle me with a wooden board with holes in it
I was suspended, accused, charged and convicted of arson
I received community service
I was to work at the fire station in Skyway
As you may know, firemen have much free time since there aren't all that many fires in any given day
There was nothing for me to do there but play video games help wash the already clean trucks and fall in love with about three of the firefighters
It was almost summer
They would take off their shirts to wash the trucks
We would have water fights
I remember spending hours getting ready to go do my community service
The guys were so nice to me
They bought me fried chicken and Popsicles
The always acted happy when I arrived
Always smiled at me
And when my time was up they all gave me big hugs (even tho I wanted kisses)
Today while trying my best to muster up a good childhood memory
The three weeks I spent at that fire station is all that came to mind
My Gran used to say "Firemen are the salt of the earth"
I didn't know what it meant but I knew it was something very good
Then again she also said that very same thing about cops
Ummmmm
That's all
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)