A Look Inside My Google Account

A Look Inside My Google Account

Gus on MySpace

We met on MySpace
we started talking in Yahoo messenger
he was funny, smart, good looking and he lived nearby
we talked about meeting up
then the conversation, as always, turned to sex
He asked me "what is the nastiest thing you ever did sexually?"
I said "I cant tell you that..............................yet"
He says "I'll tell you if you promise not to laugh"
"why would I laugh? go ahead, tell me"
It takes a long while for him to respond
I'm already starting to type and ask if he is still there when the following statement pops up: "Once when I was a teenager I came home so drunk and horny I actually put on a condom and fucked my dog"

We never slept together, he wasn't circumcised and I wasn't an Irish Setter

Bad Cat!

OK
confession time
*deep breath*
This one wont be easy
Dexter, my bubble-eyed gold fish
He was so cute
I had him for about a year and a half
He was a fast swimmer
All wiggly
And so cute
All shiny
White
Orange
Black
Gold
Big bubble eyes
Pretty fan tail
Then one day I came home from work and noticed that Dexter's scales were looking sort of flaky
Like they were flaking off of him
Within 3 days his colors were all but gone
He was no longer cute
He was just white and flaky
And he was no longer a quick swimmer
In fact
He was more like a floater than a swimmer
But he was alive
He was this way for three or more days
I didn't know what to do
I couldn't flush him
Not while he was still among the living
So I decided to get out the yellow pages
I called several vets before I found one that knew anything about goldfish
I talked to the vet for only a couple minutes
And I was so relieved
He seemed to know immediately what was wrong with Dexter
And he seemed to know too, how to cure him
He told me that Dexter had a fungus called ick
He told me to raise the temperature of Dexter's water to 90 degrees
I thanked him
Hung up the phone
Got a thermometer from the bathroom
Went to the kitchen
Took out a pot
Filled it with water
Put it on the stove
Heated the water
scooped Dexter out of his tank with a net
And stuck him, net and all
into a pot on the burner
full of hot water
He died instantly of course
And now that it's over I can see how bad it must look for me when I claim to be innocent of his carefully planned murder
I phoned the vet
I Started yelling at him for what he made me do to poor Dexter
And as I was telling him the result of what I had just done
He yelled back at me "You did what!?"
After I repeated what I did
He told me I was supposed to raise the temperature approximately 1 degree an hour
He told me this in a tone that said "you're too stupid to have a goldfish for a pet"
I hated him
So I hung up on him
But not before blaming him for the murder
And calling him a sadistic asshole
I burried Dexter in the garden
Where BC promptly dug him up
And ate him
BC stood for
Big Cat
or
Black Cat
or
Boy cat
or
Beethoven
or any number of things I could think of that fit
But after that incident
It only stood for one thing
And that was.....


Bad Cat

Confession time

I had just bought a new house
it had to be inspected
there was no lock on the back door
so before the inspector got there
I thought I would go the cheapest route to a quick fix
and I bought a 2 dollar padlock and a chain lock thingy
I put the padlock on the outside of the back door which leads to the sun porch and then to the kitchen
I then walked around to the front door and thru the kitchen into the sun porch to install the door chain lock thingy
it was 97 degrees outside and probably 200 in the porch
anyway, I closed the kitchen door so the unbearable heat from the sun porch wouldn’t get in the house.............
THE KITCHEN DOOR WAS LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE!!
THE DOOR TO THE OUTSIDE WAS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH A HUGE PADLOCK THAT HAD 3 INCH SCREWS HOLDING IT IN!!!
I was stuck in there
it was about 2 pm, and the kids weren’t going to be home until 5:30.
I had to do something,
I was drenched and I'd only been in there like 5 minutes.
I was sure I would die if I stayed in there a second longer.
I made a decision.
I would break down the door and buy a new one with a proper lock on it.
looking around all I saw was a 3/4 inch 6 foot by 4 foot piece of plywood, a couple of kids books, a broom from the dollar store and I had a small screw driver.
So I started to pull at the door, the handle came right off!
This is no good
I gotta have something to grab onto so I can wedge my screw driver in there and pry the door enough to slide the plywood in there and bust out.
I used a screw from the chain lock to hold the knob in place
I pried at the door with a book called "the rainbow fish" and the book broke
I pried at the door with a small screwdriver, it broke,
I pried at the door with a dollar store broom, it also broke but I got a space that the plywood fit into and I busted out at about 3:20 pm.
I was soaked in sweat and could hardly breathe but the inspector would be here in the morning so I had to fix the door.
It wasn’t broken that bad, I told myself.
I reattached the padlock with longer screws and reinforcement, I locked it, I went inside thru the front and into the sun porch thru the kitchen door......................totally forgot until the moment that I heard the door click shut all the way.
that THE KITCHEN DOOR IS LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE!!!!
THE DOOR TO THE OUTSIDE WAS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH A HUGE NEWLY REINFORCED PADLOCK
I’m stuck
Again

Theif!

I was 17
Maybe 18
I had just gotten an apartment in Seattle
A room really
Had to share the bathroom with the other people on my floor
My first night there was uneventful
I watched the late show on my 4 inch B&W TV/radio
Then I fell asleep
I woke up to someone knocking which seemed odd since no one knew
I was even living there
It was a man
He looked about 30
Short
Kind of chubby
Freckles
Glasses
Nose hair
Round face
Ugly
Not at all my type
He had a tray with coffee and tea
He said he wanted to welcome me to the building
I had to pee
I told him I had to go down the hall to the bathroom and that I would be right back
When I came back he acted weird
Very different from the cheerful chubby dork that I left there just a few minutes ago
Like he was in a huge hurry
He said he hoped I enjoyed the coffee or tea, whichever I preferred and he left
I was glad he left
I don’t like company first thing in the morning
Especially from ugly fat little strangers
I drank the coffee
And the tea
Later I was deciding what I would put where
I had only one suitcase
One laundry basket
A 4inch TV
A night stand
A dresser
A can of forest green house paint
And a bed
But I still wanted to rearrange the room
I noticed the tray and the cups sitting on the dresser
I didn’t want that guy coming back so I decided to return it
I knocked on the door
I could hear someone in there
It was taking forever for him to answer tho
I knocked again
Louder this time
He finally came to the door
He was all sweaty
Wearing nothing but a pair of red 70’s looking shorts that were too short with white piping around the edges
His hair was wet
His face was red
His hands were behind his back
I thought “what a fuckin' weird guy, I bet he never gets laid”
I said “here’s your stuff” and handed it to him
When he reached for it he dropped something from behind his back
I looked down at the floor
It was MY underwear!
From my laundry basket
That fuckin' ugly, chubby, little, round-faced pervert stole my panties when I was in the bathroom.
I bent down and picked up my panties
I looked at him and said “these are mine”
He started to stutter
I said “never mind, keep em, I don’t want 'em anymore and you'd better stay the fuck away from me”
As I started back down the hall he followed
Explaining how he planned to return the panties and begging me not to report him to the building manager because he would get kicked out
Apparently he had stolen panties from other tenants in the past
He was such an ugly little guy
I felt sorry for him
For a second I even thought about giving him some more underwear because he seemed so pathetic
But I changed my mind and I told him he wouldn’t get a second chance and that not only would I report him but also that I was only 17 and had many older friends to look out for me
Ant if they were to get wind of the chubby little panty stealing perv they might be tempted to bash his chubby ugly little round face in.
He did seem quite frightened
Strange thing is
In the 3 months I lived there
I never saw that guy again
But someone did write some not so nice words about him on his door
Who knows?
Maybe he fashioned a rope from stolen undies and hung himself in that room down the hall
That’s what I would have done if I was him

True Facts

When you buy a roast there is a thingy on the bottom, kind of like a maxi pad, you’re not supposed to cook that thing
The stuff inside of the chicken or turkey is not stuffing, its necks n guts.
I have no Idea why they put that nasty shit inside there in the first place but its supposed to be removed before you cook the bird.
If you get hit between the eyes just right you can get two black eyes.
Always point the bottle of Andre’s away from your face even when you’re just removing the wire cage thingy because that plastic cork can pop at any second, hit you between the eyes and you might get two black eyes.
The powdered stuff in the dark brown can marked “HERSHEY’S” is not hot chocolate.
I’m not exactly sure what it is, I think its for baking, all I know is that it tastes like crap.
Pie cherries in a can taste nothing like cherry pie, not sure what ya gotta do to em to make em taste like cherry pie but take my word for it, just because the can says pie cherries doesn’t mean there is cherry pie filling inside.
If your baby chokes, even a little bit, on a bone from a boneless chicken strip you got at Jack in the Box, well that’s worth approximately 500 bucks.
Falling up the stairs can hurt just as much, if not more than falling down the stairs.
Most people are more likable and better looking online than they are in person.
Three out of 5 men in the bar have a condom in their wallet that they should have already used but didn’t, is most likely expired and has a warning label that says “store in a cool dry place”.
Men don’t seem to know that the inside of a wallet that is inside a back pocket probably isn’t the coolest or driest of places. Its not a good idea to drink milk at someone else’s house unless you bought the milk yourself.
No matter how many times you back up the dustpan, there will still be a little line of dust on the floor
Even if they haven’t a fucking clue as to what you just said, people that do not speeka dee ingleesh, will usually nod their heads in agreement and either say “OK” or “Yes”.
Which can cause problems later because they actually had no Idea what it was they agreed to or agreed to do.
No matter what people that have been in jail say, the wrappers from tampons and pages from the bible do not make good rolling papers.
Its probably a good idea to come up with an excuse ahead of time for unforeseen incidents
like if your kids find that inflatable woman with the beer holder on her head and blow her up so they can use her as a floatation device in the kiddy pool out in the front yard and the neighbors happen to see
Or if they find 4 cans of fluorescent road paint and paint their little brother along with all the mailboxes, fences and cars in the neighborhood.
Taking the kids to the elderly couple’s house next door to admit what they have done in hopes of teaching them a lesson probably wont work because the old lady will just give them a candy bar or some cookies and a hug.
If you want your whites to have that faded tie-dyed look just have a kid toss a box of crayons into the dryer.
If you see your toddler with a tiny slug on the tip of his finger, don’t tell him to “flick it” because he will probably think you said “lick it” and …well you get the idea.
Never go outside during a thunderstorm and hold a shovel and a pair of gardening sheers up in the air while your kid is in the bathtub because your shovel or your sheers might get hit by lightning and toss you three or so feet where you land flat on your back semi conscience and the neighbor might call 911 and by the time you realize what is going on your poor kid is sitting naked in a tub full of freezing cold bathwater.

Pieces of Me

When I was 10 I had two friends
Make that three
Cindy Weyna
Nyla Smith
And Becky Dickey
They didn’t like each other
We weren’t a group
They had to take turns being my friend
No one ever likes to share me
Anyway
Cindy was a bit of a goody two shoes
She had a little sister named Diana
They were rarely allowed out of their fenced yard
Diana was two years younger than Cindy and me
She was also way bigger
And one day she was sitting on the love seat in front of me and her arms were resting over her head
I saw something that frightened me
She had hair!
Under her arms!
She was only like 8 years old
It not only grossed me out but I was afraid it would happen to me
It didn’t tho
At least not for a very very long time
I didn’t even grow pubic hair til I was 19
Cindy wore glasses and had long think dark hair
She never got in trouble
Unlike me
I was always in big trouble
Then there was Becky
Becky was the youngest kid in house full of grown brothers and sisters
Her mom worked so she had much freedom
Kind of like me only she had a curfew
I hung out with Becky most
I used to think Becky and her family were rich
They had cable TV and an answering machine
Plus their house was made from bricks
Becky had bad teeth, ate mayonnaise sandwiches and played the cello
And Nyla was the second oldest of 8 or 9 kids
Their house was confusing and chaotic to me
3 year olds, teens, BB guns, Barbie dolls…
Her mom was white and her dad (who we rarely ever saw) was black
Which was rare in the part of west Seattle that we lived
I used to like a boy named Scott Anderson
I would make my dog run passed his house and pretend she got away , chase after her back and forth in front of his house til he came out to help me catch her
Once Scott asked me “will you go with me?”
I said “go where?”
He repeated the question
I repeated mine
Then he said never mind
The next day my friend Becky told me she and Scott were boyfriend and girlfriend
That they were “going together”
I finally understood what had happened
I thought if I explained to her that it was me who Scott really wanted to go with, she would understand
But not only did she not understand
She didn’t even believe me
That day after school Scott, Becky and I hung out at the park
They went off in the bushes to kiss a few times
I had a hard time with that
I knew he liked me more
Why was he kissing her?
Even tho I could tell they were trying to be alone
I stayed close by all day
Then it was finally curfew time for Becky
YAY
We walked her home
They kissed again
I nearly horked
Then Scott said he would walk me home
He was pushing his bike all day because Becky and I were on foot
But while “walking” me home he rode it
He rode slowly enough that I could keep up
But he wasn’t walking next to me like I thought he should have been
On the way he said he would tell me something if I promised not to tell Becky
I promised
But I had my fingers crossed
He told me that I was his first choice but she lived closer
I wanted to beat him up
Then he asked me if he could kiss me
I wanted to say yes
But I didn’t
instead I knocked him off his bike
I kicked in the spokes
I told him I hated him and I wouldn’t kiss him even if he was a kitten
Then I ran home and cried myself to sleep
All alone
With only my beloved Mick Jagger poster to comfort me
The next day I tried to talk to my friend Nyla about it but she didn’t seem to understand at all
We had a sort of culture gap she and I
She liked Stevie Wonder and Menudo
I liked Queen and The Bay City Rollers
That was 4th and 5th grade
We were all in the same class at E.C. Hughes Elementary
The summer between 5th and 6th grade I moved
To Lower Skyway
I hated it
I tried to stay in touch with my 3 friends but after a while we lost touch
Cindy became a drug addict/alcoholic
Becky got married and had kids at a very early age
Nyla joined the Navy and lived in Hawaii
Me, I ran away from home, traveled this country and few others, got strung out, went to jail, got clean, got married, got divorced, had kids and stuff.
I recently called Cindy’s parents house
They still live there
Still have the same number
All 3 of their phone numbers are still in my head to this day
I left a message w/ her mom but I doubt she’ll ever get it
The two and a half years I spent on 29th and Holden in West Seattle were the best times of my life
That’s the longest we has ever lived anywhere
We played in the sand pits
That's where I got stuck in wet mud that we thought was quick sand and had to crawl out of my pants and shoes to get out
That's also where I was stung by 56 hornets on the same day
Little word of advice: Just because you block the hole in hornet's nest in the ground doesn't mean they cant get out
I played baseball
There was a block party every 4th
I remember in 79 when the Seattle Supersonics won the championship
There was a block party then too
We had a park about a half block away
With a wading pool
I had a plastic banana shaped skateboard
I loved that wading pool
We listened to Queen's Another one bites the dust because it was the long running number 1 song
And The knack, Gary Newman, Billy Joel, Captain and toenail... I had all the K-tel records
I ran around free, no one to boss me around
My mom worked
Or at least that's where I believed her to be at the time
Wherever she was, it wasn't at home
I went swimming
Oh yeah swimming
I walked about 4 miles almost every single day after school
Even in the middle of winter
To the southwest community center
With my lunch money
So I could go swimming
Most of the time I was the only person there
I went because I had a crush on a lifeguard
I liked him because he talked to me like I was already grown up
And he had a nice smile
When he moved to another job
I quit swimming
I had a cat that I had had since I was 5
Her name was Daisy
I also had a bunny
Snowball (he came with that name)
Snowball was a show bunny
He had a tattoo in his ear that said R1D2
He was in love with Daisy
And she didn't seem to mind
That bunny would hump that cat
when he wasn't humping the cat
He was following her around trying to hump her
We also had two Irish setters when we lived there
Penny and Casey
We got penny when we lived in Federal way a few years earlier
We brought her with us when we moved to an apartment in the projects near Seward Park
Penny obviously didn’t like living in the hood
She took off
For almost a year
Then the weirdest thing happened
The day we were moving to West Seattle
The last truckload of stuff
Here comes Penny
Like she was just waiting all that time to leave the projects
We got Casey after we moved to West Seattle
They had 12 pups
Then Casey got mange
And I know my mom and Step Dad had him put to sleep rather than deal with it even tho they claimed to have given him to someone that would take care of him
When the last puppy was gone Penny quit eating
She quit barking at the doorbell
She quit everything
She just lay on the floor
For almost two weeks
I tried to stay near her
She seemed so sad and so sick
Then one night there was a skating party
I didn’t want to leave Penny but everyone was going to be at Skate King and I wanted to go so bad
I went
I had a great time
But when we came in the door
Penny wasn’t there
We found her in my room
Dead
Looked like she fell off the bed or something
Her legs were all twisted
I was too sad to even cry
She died because we got rid of her family
And because I went skating
She died of loneliness
I hated my mom for not letting Penny keep one of her babies
My mom tried to say that Penny was poisoned
Like that would make it all ok
That same summer we bought a picknik set from a truck on the street
We were having a BBQ
My mom's friend "Big Dave" was there
He weighed over 500 pounds
He sat on our new bench and it broke right in half
took 4 grown men to get him off the ground
I was in big trouble
as usual
this time for laughing at Fat ass Dave's misfortune
Well I guess that’s enough for now
I don’t even know what this is all about
Other than I was in west Seattle a few days ago and just being there brought back a lot of memories
I still think things would have been different
Different in a better way
Had we not moved away from there
I wonder if the live Christmas Tree I insisted we get is still planted in the front yard of 7224 29th S. W..
I wish I could afford to raise my boys there