Don't turn around

So we're out house hunting in Tacoma
It's raining
We end up end up here
I don't know how I'm gonna get out of this one
FucK

supposedly found on a wall, doesnt really matter tho, I like it

(Found on a bathroom wall somewhere in the U.S.A.)

You've taken over my mind. You've raped my thoughts with your image viruses then sold me fake cures for your own disease. Your words and pictures scream orders at me like angry prison wardens. When I cover my ears, your voices echo in my head. I hate you. When I see your billboards, your talk shows, your rock concerts and your factories, when I see the work of your twisted libidos, I want to kill you. I want to set fires, plant bombs, derail trains. I want to smash your buildings and tear at your bodies until the skin of my hands is worn to the bone. I am filled with a rage that burns my eyes.

I don't want to feel this way. You have done this to me. These feelings are the fruits of your multi-billion dollar sowing. And I am not alone. There are others like me out here. Every suicide, every madman, every man and woman who gets a gun and just starts shooting -- these are your illegitimate children. They don't all know what they are doing. All they know is hate for the invisible walls which you have raised around them, hate for the narrow path you have tried to make them walk. And the innocent pay in blood for your negligence.

Remember this: My mind is big. The more you try to push me down and make me small, the greater the pressure inside me becomes. The greater the pressure, the greater the chance of an explosion. There was once a time when I felt love, but now I feel only hate and anger, and fear at what I might do. And you can tell me to "BE HAPPY," but I know that you really mean "BE QUIET".

Believe me, I want to be happy. You stand in my way.

Ummmm....

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Doctor

I have to make a Dr. appointment today
I hate going to the doctor
Once I cut the tip of my finger off
That’s right
I said off
It was on Thanksgiving 1990
I was meeting my then boyfriend’s relatives for the first time
They asked me if I wanted to cut the ham
I LOVE ham
I said yes, of course and the granny handed me an electric knife
She said “careful dear, it’s very sharp”
I was thinking “what does she I am, 12 years old?”
I had never used an electric knife before
All eyes were on me as I started to slice that big fat ham when all of the sudden I saw what appeared to be blood squirting all over the ham and the potatoes and the turkey and the pie and the corn …..
Well you get the picture
I didn’t feel a thing
It happened so fast
I just saw blood all over the thanksgiving dinner
The granny was giving me that “I told you it was sharp” look
I didn’t like her
The bitch
Anyway My then boyfriend said he knew what to do
He said we were to put it (it being my fingertip) in a cup of cold milk
Well the cup had no top and the milk spilled Then the father, son of granny bitch, said it wasn’t milk but yogurt that we needed
So my then boyfriend gets a cigarette cellophane and puts my fingertip and a tablespoon or so of strawberry yogurt in it and we head out the door to the UW Hospital
The hospital was pretty empty but the lady at the desk acted like she was swamped
I said “I cut my finger off” as I showed her the blood-soaked towel that was wrapped around my right hand.
She said “Fill out these forms….”
I was like “WHAT THE FUCK!?!, Didn’t you hear me? I didn’t say I cut my finger, I said I cut my finger OFF”
She still insisted I fill out the forms
The bitch
Probably related to the then boyfriend’s granny
So as I sit there in the waiting area bleeding to death my then boyfriend finds someone that works there and shows him what he has in the cigarette cellophane.
They can’t believe it
Strawberry yogurt!
After the doc is done acting shocked, confused and amused he takes my fingertip into another room to see if it’s well enough to be sewn back on.
I was then escorted to a freezing cold room where the nurse came and told me to “Take everything off and put this on” as she handed me what looked like a large paper towel.
At this point I am already angry about the paperwork and the people there not seeing the urgency of my condition and I was not about to get naked for a doctor to look at my finger.
So I said “No”
She got all bent outa shape
Telling me about policy and shit like that
I told her to go away and she said something about my bad attitude
Yeah, my attitude was bad.
I fucking cut my finger off goddammit
The doc comes in with an 18 inch needle (ok maybe not that big but that’s how I remember it) and he said “this will sting just a little” which is secret doctor code for “its gonna hurt like a mutherfucker”
Then he stuck that giant needle between my fingers, you know, in the little webby part.
Well after all this yelling and lecturing and sewing and gluing
I got my fingertip back and we went home to eat.
When we got there the dinner was gone.
It wasn’t in the fridge
It wasn’t on the counter in tupperware to take with us
Where was it you ask?
I’ll tell you where it was
It was in the dumpster!
Untouched
The entire meal Granny Bitch tossed it because
I “ruined it”
And "how do we know she doesn't have aids?"
Needless to say I didn’t marry the then boyfriend
The raccoons and possums got a fine meal that night
And I still hate going to the doctor

I have to make a Dr. appointment today
I hate going to the doctor
Once I cut the tip of my finger off
That’s right
I said off
It was on Thanksgiving 1990
I was meeting my then boyfriend’s relatives for the first time
They asked me if I wanted to cut the ham
I LOVE ham
I said yes, of course and the granny handed me an electric knife
She said “careful dear, it’s very sharp” I was thinking “what does she I am, 12 years old?” I had never used an electric knife before All eyes were on me as I started to slice that big fat ham when all of the sudden I saw what appeared to be blood squirting all over the ham and the potatoes and the turkey and the pie and the corn ….. Well you get the picture I didn’t feel a thing It happened so fast I just saw blood all over the thanksgiving dinner The granny was giving me that “I told you it was sharp” look I didn’t like her The bitch Anyway My then boyfriend said he knew what to do He said we were to put it (it being my fingertip) in a cup of cold milk Well the cup had no top and the milk spilled Then the father, son of granny bitch, said it wasn’t milk but yogurt that we needed So my then boyfriend gets a cigarette cellophane and puts my fingertip and a tablespoon or so of strawberry yogurt in it and we head out the door to the UW Hospital The hospital was pretty empty but the lady at the desk acted like she was swamped I said “I cut my finger off” as I showed her the blood-soaked towel that was wrapped around my right hand. She said “Fill out these forms….” I was like “WHAT THE FUCK, Didn’t you hear me? I didn’t say I cut my finger, I said I cut my finger OFF” She still insisted I fill out the forms The bitch Probably related to the then boyfriend’s granny So as I sit there in the waiting area bleeding to death my then boyfriend finds someone that works there and shows him what he has in the cigarette cellophane. They can’t believe it Strawberry yogurt! After the doc is done acting shocked, confused and amused he takes my fingertip into another room to see if it’s well enough to be sewn back on. I was then escorted to a freezing cold room where the nurse came and told me to “Take everything off and put this on” as she handed me what looked like a large paper towel. At this point I am already angry about the paperwork and the people there not seeing the urgency of my condition and I was not about to get naked for a doctor to look at my finger. So I said “No” She got all bent outa shape Telling me about policy and shit like that I told her to go away and she said something about my bad attitude Yeah, my attitude was bad. I fucking cut my finger off goddammit The doc comes in with an 18 inch needle (ok maybe not that big but that’s how I remember it) and he said “this will sting just a little” which is doctor code for “its gonna hurt like a mutherfucker” Then he stuck that giant needle between my fingers, you know, in the little webby part. Well after all this yelling and lecturing and sewing and gluing, I got my finger back and we went home to eat. When we got there the dinner was gone. It wasn’t in the fridge It wasn’t on the counter Where was it you ask? I’ll tell you where it was It was in the dumpster! Untouched The entire meal Granny Bitch tossed it because I “ruined it” Needless to say I didn’t marry the then boyfriend and the raccoons and possums got a fine meal that night But I still hate going to the docto

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The 48 Laws of Power

by Robert Greene and Joost Elffers

Law 1

Never Outshine the Master

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.

Law 2

Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies

Be wary of friends-they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them.

Law 3

Conceal your Intentions

Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. If they have no clue what you are up to, they cannot prepare a defense. Guide them far enough down the wrong path, envelope them in enough smoke, and by the time they realize your intentions, it will be too late.

Law 4

Always Say Less than Necessary

When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.

Law 5

So Much Depends on Reputation – Guard it with your Life

Reputation is the cornerstone of power. Through reputation alone you can intimidate and win; once you slip, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides. Make your reputation unassailable. Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen. Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations. Then stand aside and let public opinion hang them.

Law 6

Court Attention at all Cost

Everything is judged by its appearance; what is unseen counts for nothing. Never let yourself get lost in the crowd, then, or buried in oblivion. Stand out. Be conspicuous, at all cost. Make yourself a magnet of attention by appearing larger, more colorful, more mysterious, than the bland and timid masses.

Law 7

Get others to do the Work for you, but Always Take the Credit

Use the wisdom, knowledge, and legwork of other people to further your own cause. Not only will such assistance save you valuable time and energy, it will give you a godlike aura of efficiency and speed. In the end your helpers will be forgotten and you will be remembered. Never do yourself what others can do for you.

Law 8

Make other People come to you – use Bait if Necessary

When you force the other person to act, you are the one in control. It is always better to make your opponent come to you, abandoning his own plans in the process. Lure him with fabulous gains – then attack. You hold the cards.

Law 9

Win through your Actions, Never through Argument

Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.

Law 10

Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky

You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

Law 11

Learn to Keep People Dependent on You

To maintain your independence you must always be needed and wanted. The more you are relied on, the more freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear. Never teach them enough so that they can do without you.

Law 12

Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm your Victim

One sincere and honest move will cover over dozens of dishonest ones. Open-hearted gestures of honesty and generosity bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people. Once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can deceive and manipulate them at will. A timely gift – a Trojan horse – will serve the same purpose.

Law 13

When Asking for Help, Appeal to People’s Self-Interest,

Never to their Mercy or Gratitude

If you need to turn to an ally for help, do not bother to remind him of your past assistance and good deeds. He will find a way to ignore you. Instead, uncover something in your request, or in your alliance with him, that will benefit him, and emphasize it out of all proportion. He will respond enthusiastically when he sees something to be gained for himself.

Law 14

Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy

Knowing about your rival is critical. Use spies to gather valuable information that will keep you a step ahead. Better still: Play the spy yourself. In polite social encounters, learn to probe. Ask indirect questions to get people to reveal their weaknesses and intentions. There is no occasion that is not an opportunity for artful spying.

Law 15

Crush your Enemy Totally

All great leaders since Moses have known that a feared enemy must be crushed completely. (Sometimes they have learned this the hard way.) If one ember is left alight, no matter how dimly it smolders, a fire will eventually break out. More is lost through stopping halfway than through total annihilation: The enemy will recover, and will seek revenge. Crush him, not only in body but in spirit.

Law 16

Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor

Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.

Law 17

Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability

Humans are creatures of habit with an insatiable need to see familiarity in other people’s actions. Your predictability gives them a sense of control. Turn the tables: Be deliberately unpredictable. Behavior that seems to have no consistency or purpose will keep them off-balance, and they will wear themselves out trying to explain your moves. Taken to an extreme, this strategy can intimidate and terrorize.

Law 18

Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself – Isolation is Dangerous

The world is dangerous and enemies are everywhere – everyone has to protect themselves. A fortress seems the safest. But isolation exposes you to more dangers than it protects you from – it cuts you off from valuable information, it makes you conspicuous and an easy target. Better to circulate among people find allies, mingle. You are shielded from your enemies by the crowd.

Law 19

Know Who You’re Dealing with – Do Not Offend the Wrong Person

There are many different kinds of people in the world, and you can never assume that everyone will react to your strategies in the same way. Deceive or outmaneuver some people and they will spend the rest of their lives seeking revenge. They are wolves in lambs’ clothing. Choose your victims and opponents carefully, then – never offend or deceive the wrong person.

Law 20

Do Not Commit to Anyone

It is the fool who always rushes to take sides. Do not commit to any side or cause but yourself. By maintaining your independence, you become the master of others – playing people against one another, making them pursue you.

Law 21

Play a Sucker to Catch a Sucker – Seem Dumber than your Mark

No one likes feeling stupider than the next persons. The trick, is to make your victims feel smart – and not just smart, but smarter than you are. Once convinced of this, they will never suspect that you may have ulterior motives.

Law 22

Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power

When you are weaker, never fight for honor’s sake; choose surrender instead. Surrender gives you time to recover, time to torment and irritate your conqueror, time to wait for his power to wane. Do not give him the satisfaction of fighting and defeating you – surrender first. By turning the other check you infuriate and unsettle him. Make surrender a tool of power.

Law 23

Concentrate Your Forces

Conserve your forces and energies by keeping them concentrated at their strongest point. You gain more by finding a rich mine and mining it deeper, than by flitting from one shallow mine to another – intensity defeats extensity every time. When looking for sources of power to elevate you, find the one key patron, the fat cow who will give you milk for a long time to come.

Law 24

Play the Perfect Courtier

The perfect courtier thrives in a world where everything revolves around power and political dexterity. He has mastered the art of indirection; he flatters, yields to superiors, and asserts power over others in the mot oblique and graceful manner. Learn and apply the laws of courtiership and there will be no limit to how far you can rise in the court.

Law 25

Re-Create Yourself

Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define if for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions – your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.

Law 26

Keep Your Hands Clean

You must seem a paragon of civility and efficiency: Your hands are never soiled by mistakes and nasty deeds. Maintain such a spotless appearance by using others as scapegoats and cat’s-paws to disguise your involvement.

Law 27

Play on People’s Need to Believe to Create a Cultlike Following

People have an overwhelming desire to believe in something. Become the focal point of such desire by offering them a cause, a new faith to follow. Keep your words vague but full of promise; emphasize enthusiasm over rationality and clear thinking. Give your new disciples rituals to perform, ask them to make sacrifices on your behalf. In the absence of organized religion and grand causes, your new belief system will bring you untold power.

Law 28

Enter Action with Boldness

If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honors the timid.

Law 29

Plan All the Way to the End

The ending is everything. Plan all the way to it, taking into account all the possible consequences, obstacles, and twists of fortune that might reverse your hard work and give the glory to others. By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you will know when to stop. Gently guide fortune and help determine the future by thinking far ahead.

Law 30

Make your Accomplishments Seem Effortless

Your actions must seem natural and executed with ease. All the toil and practice that go into them, and also all the clever tricks, must be concealed. When you act, act effortlessly, as if you could do much more. Avoid the temptation of revealing how hard you work – it only raises questions. Teach no one your tricks or they will be used against you.

Law 31

Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards you Deal

The best deceptions are the ones that seem to give the other person a choice: Your victims feel they are in control, but are actually your puppets. Give people options that come out in your favor whichever one they choose. Force them to make choices between the lesser of two evils, both of which serve your purpose. Put them on the horns of a dilemma: They are gored wherever they turn.

Law 32

Play to People’s Fantasies

The truth is often avoided because it is ugly and unpleasant. Never appeal to truth and reality unless you are prepared for the anger that comes for disenchantment. Life is so harsh and distressing that people who can manufacture romance or conjure up fantasy are like oases in the desert: Everyone flocks to them. There is great power in tapping into the fantasies of the masses.

Law 33

Discover Each Man’s Thumbscrew

Everyone has a weakness, a gap in the castle wall. That weakness is usual y an insecurity, an uncontrollable emotion or need; it can also be a small secret pleasure. Either way, once found, it is a thumbscrew you can turn to your advantage.

Law 34

Be Royal in your Own Fashion: Act like a King to be treated like one

The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated; In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you. For a king respects himself and inspires the same sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.

Law 35

Master the Art of Timing

Never seem to be in a hurry – hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself, and over time. Always seem patient, as if you know that everything will come to you eventually. Become a detective of the right moment; sniff out the spirit of the times, the trends that will carry you to power. Learn to stand back when the time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely when it has reached fruition.

Law 36

Disdain Things you cannot have: Ignoring them is the best Revenge

By acknowledging a petty problem you give it existence and credibility. The more attention you pay an enemy, the stronger you make him; and a small mistake is often made worse and more visible when you try to fix it. It is sometimes best to leave things alone. If there is something you want but cannot have, show contempt for it. The less interest you reveal, the more superior you seem.

Law 37

Create Compelling Spectacles

Striking imagery and grand symbolic gestures create the aura of power – everyone responds to them. Stage spectacles for those around you, then full of arresting visuals and radiant symbols that heighten your presence. Dazzled by appearances, no one will notice what you are really doing.

Law 38

Think as you like but Behave like others

If you make a show of going against the times, flaunting your unconventional ideas and unorthodox ways, people will think that you only want attention and that you look down upon them. They will find a way to punish you for making them feel inferior. It is far safer to blend in and nurture the common touch. Share your originality only with tolerant friends and those who are sure to appreciate your uniqueness.

Law 39

Stir up Waters to Catch Fish

Anger and emotion are strategically counterproductive. You must always stay calm and objective. But if you can make your enemies angry while staying calm yourself, you gain a decided advantage. Put your enemies off-balance: Find the chink in their vanity through which you can rattle them and you hold the strings.

Law 40

Despise the Free Lunch

What is offered for free is dangerous – it usually involves either a trick or a hidden obligation. What has worth is worth paying for. By paying your own way you stay clear of gratitude, guilt, and deceit. It is also often wise to pay the full price – there is no cutting corners with excellence. Be lavish with your money and keep it circulating, for generosity is a sign and a magnet for power.

Law 41

Avoid Stepping into a Great Man’s Shoes

What happens first always appears better and more original than what comes after. If you succeed a great man or have a famous parent, you will have to accomplish double their achievements to outshine them. Do not get lost in their shadow, or stuck in a past not of your own making: Establish your own name and identity by changing course. Slay the overbearing father, disparage his legacy, and gain power by shining in your own way.

Law 42

Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will Scatter

Trouble can often be traced to a single strong individual – the stirrer, the arrogant underling, the poisoned of goodwill. If you allow such people room to operate, others will succumb to their influence. Do not wait for the troubles they cause to multiply, do not try to negotiate with them – they are irredeemable. Neutralize their influence by isolating or banishing them. Strike at the source of the trouble and the sheep will scatter.

Law 43

Work on the Hearts and Minds of Others

Coercion creates a reaction that will eventually work against you. You must seduce others into wanting to move in your direction. A person you have seduced becomes your loyal pawn. And the way to seduce others is to operate on their individual psychologies and weaknesses. Soften up the resistant by working on their emotions, playing on what they hold dear and what they fear. Ignore the hearts and minds of others and they will grow to hate you.

Law 44

Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect

The mirror reflects reality, but it is also the perfect tool for deception: When you mirror your enemies, doing exactly as they do, they cannot figure out your strategy. The Mirror Effect mocks and humiliates them, making them overreact. By holding up a mirror to their psyches, you seduce them with the illusion that you share their values; by holding up a mirror to their actions, you teach them a lesson. Few can resist the power of Mirror Effect.

Law 45

Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once

Everyone understands the need for change in the abstract, but on the day-to-day level people are creatures of habit. Too much innovation is traumatic, and will lead to revolt. If you are new to a position of power, or an outsider trying to build a power base, make a show of respecting the old way of doing things. If change is necessary, make it feel like a gentle improvement on the past.

Law 46

Never appear too Perfect

Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weaknesses. Envy creates silent enemies. It is smart to occasionally display defects, and admit to harmless vices, in order to deflect envy and appear more human and approachable. Only gods and the dead can seem perfect with impunity.

Law 47

Do not go Past the Mark you Aimed for; In Victory, Learn when to Stop

The moment of victory is often the moment of greatest peril. In the heat of victory, arrogance and overconfidence can push you past the goal you had aimed for, and by going too far, you make more enemies than you defeat. Do not allow success to go to your head. There is no substitute for strategy and careful planning. Set a goal, and when you reach it, stop.

Law 48

Assume Formlessness

By taking a shape, by having a visible plan, you open yourself to attack. Instead of taking a form for your enemy to grasp, keep yourself adaptable and on the move. Accept the fact that nothing is certain and no law is fixed. The best way to protect yourself is to be as fluid and formless as water; never bet on stability or lasting order. Everything changes.

Why I Hate Camping

Memorial Day weekend

We had the brilliant idea to leave for our camping trip on Saturday morning

By "we" I mean the dumbfuck, his dumb friend, myself and the babies

Of course everyone else in the world was already there so we couldn’t find a spot

We drove in the rain

With one electric window half way down because it was busted

We drove in circles

And squares

And triangles

And in circles again

We were looking for someone we knew who said they “might” be at this campsite

We drove til we were out of gas

Then we had no choice but to park

right on the road

Next to the river

I stuffed a towel in the busted electric window because it was raining like mad and I didn’t want the babies to get wet and cold

Chase was 2

Zachary was 1

We planned this camping trip way ahead of time

Things were all worked out

Should have gone off without a hitch

Anyway

Here we are

Parked on the riverbank

Out of gas

Hungry

Cold

Really hungry

I make the decision to go home

Of course no one agrees with me so we unload everything

Tents

Coolers

Playpen

Swing

Dirt bikes

Etc

We set up camp in a spot that isn’t for campers

Seems OK tho

That is until the park ranger comes and tells us there is a burn ban

Camping without a campfire

This should be fun

Never mind the fire for now tho

We are starving

I pop open the cooler that I had told the idiot to fill

It’s empty!

Nothing in there but ice

“Where is all the food?” I ask

“What food?” he replies

“OMG! I told you to pack the cooler didn’t I?”

“I did pack it….. I packed it with ice”

Ok camping in the rain

2 babies

No campfire

No food

Fuck it

Let’s get some beer

We walk

MILES

Who knows how many

We get to the “store”

“WTF do you mean you are all out of beer?” I say to the cashier of what looked noything like a store and a lot like the rec room at an old folks home

It’s a big camping holiday

Everyone is here

They have been since Friday

With food

And beer

Everyone but us that is

We just got here

And we have no food

No gas

And now no beer

On the way back we talk to some other campers

They feel sorry for us and give us some toaster waffles

MMMMMMMM frozen waffles with no way to warm em up

Oh well

I guess it’s better than nothing

No its not

It’s gross

I have an Idea

Let’s go fishing!

It’s getting dark now

Very dark since there are no campfires

Everyone is catching trout after trout

We toss em back since we have no way to cook em

And even if there was a way we would have needed about 50 of those little fish stick sized fuckers

Well I shouldn’t say “we”

I didn’t toss back a trout at all

I got a bite tho

I reeled and reeled

I thought I hooked a monster

I was yelling FISH ON!

Everyone came to see

They came to see as my line came flying out of the water

And up into a tree

What I had hooked wasn’t even a fish

It was a damned fruit bat

That night the kids and I slept in the car because the idiot forgot to sweep off the rocks before setting up the tent

Woke up to a deer and a chipmunk finishing off our uneaten waffles

Had to pee

No fucken paper

At least it wasn’t raining

Decided to wash my hair in the river

Put the kids in the pen

Stuck my head in the water

It must have been colder than my fingers told me it was

I got a huge head rush and fell into the river with my clothes on

I was freezing

Went into the tent to get dry clothes

Some stupid fucker forgot to zip the rain fly all the way

Guess whose stuff got soaked?

That’s right

Mine

So all that’s left to do is wear a stupid fucker’s stupid sweat pants

He’s 6 foot 1

I’m 5 foot 1

The waist came to my neck but at least they were dry

Later we walked about 5 miles in the mud to see some sort of frog migration from the river to the lake

Turns out the migration was over the day before

And it went across the dirt road

So all we saw were hundreds of dead squished frogs

Walking back I said I was fed up and hungry and wet and cold and I wanted to go to a hotel or back home

He promised after dirt biking he would walk and get gas and food

That was at 1pm

9pm rolled around and I was starving so I ate some baby food and what was left of the chipmunk’s breakfast

Still no site of Mr. I’m gonna go get gas

I thought MAYBE he took the dirt bike to the gas station

Which was about 20 miles away

But then I saw the gas can sitting next to a log

It was cold

And dark

No campfire

No food

Alone with two babies

On the side of dead frog road

Next to a raging river

That’s when a ranger shows up

He’s just out spreading the news that a mother and her two toddlers have been missing in that river for 2 hrs

God I wanna go home

The rain started

I got in the car with the kids

The towel in the window is soaked and dripping all over me but the kids are sprawled out asleep in the dry spot so I just sit and get soaked

10 pm rolls around

I’m angry

I decide to turn on the radio

Fell asleep with the radio on

Battery died

Dumbfuck shows up at 2am

Soaked

Covered in mud

No bike

Had crashed

Walked about 16 miles back to the car

The car with no battery and no gas

I was so pist I took my babies and I went campsite to campsite

Offering people money to drive us home

That’s when I ran into the friend that said he might be up there

He had a motor home

With a bathroom

And toilet paper

Towels

Food

I told of my horrible time

He cooked dinner and we ate while deciding whether or not to stop and pick up the stupid fucker

We decided we should

Went to where the car was

No stupid fucker was there

Nor his stupid fucking friend

Waited

Waited

Waited some more

It’s a long drive home

Let’s get the fuck outa here

what about dumb an dumber?

Fuck that stupid fucker and his stupid fucking friend

On the way home we see 2 stupid fuckers walking in the rain

Stop

Offer them a ride

A ride home

Nope

Can’t leave the dirt bike

Gotta get gas

Gotta find and fix the bike

We’ll go home tomorrow

NO FUCKING WAY

I’m going home NOW

And we’ll have to see if you have a home when and if you ever make it back

Never did find out about the mom and her kids

But I think of them every Memorial Day weekend

Took the stupid fucker three days to find and fix the bike get gas and a jump start

Those “babies” of mine are 13 and 14 now

When they go camping

I stay home

I haven’t been camping since

Edited by yours truly for forgetfulness

The moral?

The moral of story is: Never fish for fruit bats on deadfrog road during a burn ban in the rain (I know, burn ban, rain, makes no damn sense) while suicidal frogs are migrating on Memorial Day Weekend with a stupid fucker and his stupid fucking friend.

And I hope you learned something else too

If everyone had listened to me in the first place this never would have happened

Stupid fucking fuckers never fucking listen