Doctor

I have to make a Dr. appointment today
I hate going to the doctor
Once I cut the tip of my finger off
That’s right
I said off
It was on Thanksgiving 1990
I was meeting my then boyfriend’s relatives for the first time
They asked me if I wanted to cut the ham
I LOVE ham
I said yes, of course and the granny handed me an electric knife
She said “careful dear, it’s very sharp”
I was thinking “what does she I am, 12 years old?”
I had never used an electric knife before
All eyes were on me as I started to slice that big fat ham when all of the sudden I saw what appeared to be blood squirting all over the ham and the potatoes and the turkey and the pie and the corn …..
Well you get the picture
I didn’t feel a thing
It happened so fast
I just saw blood all over the thanksgiving dinner
The granny was giving me that “I told you it was sharp” look
I didn’t like her
The bitch
Anyway My then boyfriend said he knew what to do
He said we were to put it (it being my fingertip) in a cup of cold milk
Well the cup had no top and the milk spilled Then the father, son of granny bitch, said it wasn’t milk but yogurt that we needed
So my then boyfriend gets a cigarette cellophane and puts my fingertip and a tablespoon or so of strawberry yogurt in it and we head out the door to the UW Hospital
The hospital was pretty empty but the lady at the desk acted like she was swamped
I said “I cut my finger off” as I showed her the blood-soaked towel that was wrapped around my right hand.
She said “Fill out these forms….”
I was like “WHAT THE FUCK!?!, Didn’t you hear me? I didn’t say I cut my finger, I said I cut my finger OFF”
She still insisted I fill out the forms
The bitch
Probably related to the then boyfriend’s granny
So as I sit there in the waiting area bleeding to death my then boyfriend finds someone that works there and shows him what he has in the cigarette cellophane.
They can’t believe it
Strawberry yogurt!
After the doc is done acting shocked, confused and amused he takes my fingertip into another room to see if it’s well enough to be sewn back on.
I was then escorted to a freezing cold room where the nurse came and told me to “Take everything off and put this on” as she handed me what looked like a large paper towel.
At this point I am already angry about the paperwork and the people there not seeing the urgency of my condition and I was not about to get naked for a doctor to look at my finger.
So I said “No”
She got all bent outa shape
Telling me about policy and shit like that
I told her to go away and she said something about my bad attitude
Yeah, my attitude was bad.
I fucking cut my finger off goddammit
The doc comes in with an 18 inch needle (ok maybe not that big but that’s how I remember it) and he said “this will sting just a little” which is secret doctor code for “its gonna hurt like a mutherfucker”
Then he stuck that giant needle between my fingers, you know, in the little webby part.
Well after all this yelling and lecturing and sewing and gluing
I got my fingertip back and we went home to eat.
When we got there the dinner was gone.
It wasn’t in the fridge
It wasn’t on the counter in tupperware to take with us
Where was it you ask?
I’ll tell you where it was
It was in the dumpster!
Untouched
The entire meal Granny Bitch tossed it because
I “ruined it”
And "how do we know she doesn't have aids?"
Needless to say I didn’t marry the then boyfriend
The raccoons and possums got a fine meal that night
And I still hate going to the doctor