Why I Hate Camping

Memorial Day weekend

We had the brilliant idea to leave for our camping trip on Saturday morning

By "we" I mean the dumbfuck, his dumb friend, myself and the babies

Of course everyone else in the world was already there so we couldn’t find a spot

We drove in the rain

With one electric window half way down because it was busted

We drove in circles

And squares

And triangles

And in circles again

We were looking for someone we knew who said they “might” be at this campsite

We drove til we were out of gas

Then we had no choice but to park

right on the road

Next to the river

I stuffed a towel in the busted electric window because it was raining like mad and I didn’t want the babies to get wet and cold

Chase was 2

Zachary was 1

We planned this camping trip way ahead of time

Things were all worked out

Should have gone off without a hitch

Anyway

Here we are

Parked on the riverbank

Out of gas

Hungry

Cold

Really hungry

I make the decision to go home

Of course no one agrees with me so we unload everything

Tents

Coolers

Playpen

Swing

Dirt bikes

Etc

We set up camp in a spot that isn’t for campers

Seems OK tho

That is until the park ranger comes and tells us there is a burn ban

Camping without a campfire

This should be fun

Never mind the fire for now tho

We are starving

I pop open the cooler that I had told the idiot to fill

It’s empty!

Nothing in there but ice

“Where is all the food?” I ask

“What food?” he replies

“OMG! I told you to pack the cooler didn’t I?”

“I did pack it….. I packed it with ice”

Ok camping in the rain

2 babies

No campfire

No food

Fuck it

Let’s get some beer

We walk

MILES

Who knows how many

We get to the “store”

“WTF do you mean you are all out of beer?” I say to the cashier of what looked noything like a store and a lot like the rec room at an old folks home

It’s a big camping holiday

Everyone is here

They have been since Friday

With food

And beer

Everyone but us that is

We just got here

And we have no food

No gas

And now no beer

On the way back we talk to some other campers

They feel sorry for us and give us some toaster waffles

MMMMMMMM frozen waffles with no way to warm em up

Oh well

I guess it’s better than nothing

No its not

It’s gross

I have an Idea

Let’s go fishing!

It’s getting dark now

Very dark since there are no campfires

Everyone is catching trout after trout

We toss em back since we have no way to cook em

And even if there was a way we would have needed about 50 of those little fish stick sized fuckers

Well I shouldn’t say “we”

I didn’t toss back a trout at all

I got a bite tho

I reeled and reeled

I thought I hooked a monster

I was yelling FISH ON!

Everyone came to see

They came to see as my line came flying out of the water

And up into a tree

What I had hooked wasn’t even a fish

It was a damned fruit bat

That night the kids and I slept in the car because the idiot forgot to sweep off the rocks before setting up the tent

Woke up to a deer and a chipmunk finishing off our uneaten waffles

Had to pee

No fucken paper

At least it wasn’t raining

Decided to wash my hair in the river

Put the kids in the pen

Stuck my head in the water

It must have been colder than my fingers told me it was

I got a huge head rush and fell into the river with my clothes on

I was freezing

Went into the tent to get dry clothes

Some stupid fucker forgot to zip the rain fly all the way

Guess whose stuff got soaked?

That’s right

Mine

So all that’s left to do is wear a stupid fucker’s stupid sweat pants

He’s 6 foot 1

I’m 5 foot 1

The waist came to my neck but at least they were dry

Later we walked about 5 miles in the mud to see some sort of frog migration from the river to the lake

Turns out the migration was over the day before

And it went across the dirt road

So all we saw were hundreds of dead squished frogs

Walking back I said I was fed up and hungry and wet and cold and I wanted to go to a hotel or back home

He promised after dirt biking he would walk and get gas and food

That was at 1pm

9pm rolled around and I was starving so I ate some baby food and what was left of the chipmunk’s breakfast

Still no site of Mr. I’m gonna go get gas

I thought MAYBE he took the dirt bike to the gas station

Which was about 20 miles away

But then I saw the gas can sitting next to a log

It was cold

And dark

No campfire

No food

Alone with two babies

On the side of dead frog road

Next to a raging river

That’s when a ranger shows up

He’s just out spreading the news that a mother and her two toddlers have been missing in that river for 2 hrs

God I wanna go home

The rain started

I got in the car with the kids

The towel in the window is soaked and dripping all over me but the kids are sprawled out asleep in the dry spot so I just sit and get soaked

10 pm rolls around

I’m angry

I decide to turn on the radio

Fell asleep with the radio on

Battery died

Dumbfuck shows up at 2am

Soaked

Covered in mud

No bike

Had crashed

Walked about 16 miles back to the car

The car with no battery and no gas

I was so pist I took my babies and I went campsite to campsite

Offering people money to drive us home

That’s when I ran into the friend that said he might be up there

He had a motor home

With a bathroom

And toilet paper

Towels

Food

I told of my horrible time

He cooked dinner and we ate while deciding whether or not to stop and pick up the stupid fucker

We decided we should

Went to where the car was

No stupid fucker was there

Nor his stupid fucking friend

Waited

Waited

Waited some more

It’s a long drive home

Let’s get the fuck outa here

what about dumb an dumber?

Fuck that stupid fucker and his stupid fucking friend

On the way home we see 2 stupid fuckers walking in the rain

Stop

Offer them a ride

A ride home

Nope

Can’t leave the dirt bike

Gotta get gas

Gotta find and fix the bike

We’ll go home tomorrow

NO FUCKING WAY

I’m going home NOW

And we’ll have to see if you have a home when and if you ever make it back

Never did find out about the mom and her kids

But I think of them every Memorial Day weekend

Took the stupid fucker three days to find and fix the bike get gas and a jump start

Those “babies” of mine are 13 and 14 now

When they go camping

I stay home

I haven’t been camping since

Edited by yours truly for forgetfulness

The moral?

The moral of story is: Never fish for fruit bats on deadfrog road during a burn ban in the rain (I know, burn ban, rain, makes no damn sense) while suicidal frogs are migrating on Memorial Day Weekend with a stupid fucker and his stupid fucking friend.

And I hope you learned something else too

If everyone had listened to me in the first place this never would have happened

Stupid fucking fuckers never fucking listen