I named him Honus, after Jesus

I know I told these last few stories before but someone asked me to re-post I'm not sure where this was originally posted but I assume it MySpace somewhere between 05 and 07

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Confession time


My longtime internet friends are used to these confessions
I used to do it thru a mass email
but the blog has given me a new place to unload
I’m not quite sure why I do it
Probably some residual effect from my few years in Catholic School
I just feel a need to confess every now and then
I probably would have kept this one to myself forever but I mentioned Honus In a previous blog entry
and the more I thought about him
the more I felt that need to confess
He was named after Jesus
You did know that Honus is what the H standsfor in "Jesus H Christ" right?
OK maybe I made that part up
But the rest is true
And carrying it around is quite a burdon
OK
Here goes....

I woke up in the morning and went out to the screen porch to let Honus outside and found that he was already gone
I was so worried
He was only 3 months old
And so naughty
I just knew he was going to get into trouble
Or worse He could be puppynapped!
We were living in a small town in West Central Hell AKA Browns Valley Minnesota
People there would go nuts over Honus being as he was a green eyed purebred Chocolate Lab
Everyone wanted him
They would say stupid shit like “Just a pet?
Or "What perfect waste of good hunting dog”
Well after worrying half the morning and organizing a small search party consisting of myself and my 3 boys
I finally found Honus
In the junk yard of all places
He was covered in god knows what
And stinking like a combination of chicken shit and skunk
The rest of that day was spent deskunkifying Honus and securing what I thought was an inescapable pen
The next morning I went to check on Honus and he was gone
In his place was a very large white Nike with a red stripe
It looked brand new
I had never seen it before
Who needs one shoe?
It was trash day
I tossed it
We found Honus later that morning
I found where he has escaped and I thought I fixed it pretty good
But the next morning there was no Honus
Instead there was a brown shoe
Not as big as the Nike I had found the day before but just as new
Same thing the following day only it was a small white moccasin
And the day after A blue sandal
When trash day came I had all these shoes in different sizes with no mates so I tossed em out
I ordered Honus a dog run since I was obviously the worlds worst dog pen builder but it would take 5 days to arrive
The next four or five days the mates to the shoes I had thrown away showed up at my house
I was bewildered
Then while taking Honus for a walk
I ran into a neighbor from down the block
He talked about the weather
He talked about how he had just gotten new carpet
And how he didn’t want anyone walking on it
How he had told his friends and family to leave their shoes outside on the porch
I suddenly realized where the shoes came from
I didn’t say a word I just listened to him accuse his next door neighbor of stealing the shoes because he was jealous of the new carpet
People from small Midwestern towns are very strange
The theft of the shoes became the talk of the town
I listened to the story about twenty times In the city liquor store
At the library
In the news office
At the café
At hardware hank’s
The tale got bigger and bigger
And the feud between the guy with the new carpet and his next door neighbor got more and more heated
To the point that the new carpet guy shot a hole thru the accused shoe thief’s new duck hunting boat and another thru his fish house
I never said a word about finding those shoes
And I snickered and smiled at Honus every time the subject of the feuding neighbors came up
Well that's a load off
Thanks
I feel better now