OK
confession time
*deep breath*
This one wont be easy
Dexter, my bubble-eyed gold fish
He was so cute
I had him for about a year and a half
He was a fast swimmer
All wiggly
And so cute
All shiny
White
Orange
Black
Gold
Big bubble eyes
Pretty fan tail
Then one day I came home from work and noticed that Dexter's scales were looking sort of flaky
Like they were flaking off of him
Within 3 days his colors were all but gone
He was no longer cute
He was just white and flaky
And he was no longer a quick swimmer
In fact
He was more like a floater than a swimmer
But he was alive
He was this way for three or more days
I didn't know what to do
I couldn't flush him
Not while he was still among the living
So I decided to get out the yellow pages
I called several vets before I found one that knew anything about goldfish
I talked to the vet for only a couple minutes
And I was so relieved
He seemed to know immediately what was wrong with Dexter
And he seemed to know too, how to cure him
He told me that Dexter had a fungus called ick
He told me to raise the temperature of Dexter's water to 90 degrees
I thanked him
Hung up the phone
Got a thermometer from the bathroom
Went to the kitchen
Took out a pot
Filled it with water
Put it on the stove
Heated the water
scooped Dexter out of his tank with a net
And stuck him, net and all
into a pot on the burner
full of hot water
He died instantly of course
And now that it's over I can see how bad it must look for me when I claim to be innocent of his carefully planned murder
I phoned the vet
I Started yelling at him for what he made me do to poor Dexter
And as I was telling him the result of what I had just done
He yelled back at me "You did what!?"
After I repeated what I did
He told me I was supposed to raise the temperature approximately 1 degree an hour
He told me this in a tone that said "you're too stupid to have a goldfish for a pet"
I hated him
So I hung up on him
But not before blaming him for the murder
And calling him a sadistic asshole
I burried Dexter in the garden
Where BC promptly dug him up
And ate him
BC stood for
Big Cat
or
Black Cat
or
Boy cat
or
Beethoven
or any number of things I could think of that fit
But after that incident
It only stood for one thing
And that was.....
Bad Cat
Rainyday Superstar
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Oh No
Oh No
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Confession time
I had just bought a new house
it had to be inspected
there was no lock on the back door
so before the inspector got there
I thought I would go the cheapest route to a quick fix
and I bought a 2 dollar padlock and a chain lock thingy
I put the padlock on the outside of the back door which leads to the sun porch and then to the kitchen
I then walked around to the front door and thru the kitchen into the sun porch to install the door chain lock thingy
it was 97 degrees outside and probably 200 in the porch
anyway, I closed the kitchen door so the unbearable heat from the sun porch wouldn’t get in the house.............
THE KITCHEN DOOR WAS LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE!!
THE DOOR TO THE OUTSIDE WAS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH A HUGE PADLOCK THAT HAD 3 INCH SCREWS HOLDING IT IN!!!
I was stuck in there
it was about 2 pm, and the kids weren’t going to be home until 5:30.
I had to do something,
I was drenched and I'd only been in there like 5 minutes.
I was sure I would die if I stayed in there a second longer.
I made a decision.
I would break down the door and buy a new one with a proper lock on it.
looking around all I saw was a 3/4 inch 6 foot by 4 foot piece of plywood, a couple of kids books, a broom from the dollar store and I had a small screw driver.
So I started to pull at the door, the handle came right off!
This is no good
I gotta have something to grab onto so I can wedge my screw driver in there and pry the door enough to slide the plywood in there and bust out.
I used a screw from the chain lock to hold the knob in place
I pried at the door with a book called "the rainbow fish" and the book broke
I pried at the door with a small screwdriver, it broke,
I pried at the door with a dollar store broom, it also broke but I got a space that the plywood fit into and I busted out at about 3:20 pm.
I was soaked in sweat and could hardly breathe but the inspector would be here in the morning so I had to fix the door.
It wasn’t broken that bad, I told myself.
I reattached the padlock with longer screws and reinforcement, I locked it, I went inside thru the front and into the sun porch thru the kitchen door......................totally forgot until the moment that I heard the door click shut all the way.
that THE KITCHEN DOOR IS LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE!!!!
THE DOOR TO THE OUTSIDE WAS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH A HUGE NEWLY REINFORCED PADLOCK
I’m stuck
Again
it had to be inspected
there was no lock on the back door
so before the inspector got there
I thought I would go the cheapest route to a quick fix
and I bought a 2 dollar padlock and a chain lock thingy
I put the padlock on the outside of the back door which leads to the sun porch and then to the kitchen
I then walked around to the front door and thru the kitchen into the sun porch to install the door chain lock thingy
it was 97 degrees outside and probably 200 in the porch
anyway, I closed the kitchen door so the unbearable heat from the sun porch wouldn’t get in the house.............
THE KITCHEN DOOR WAS LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE!!
THE DOOR TO THE OUTSIDE WAS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH A HUGE PADLOCK THAT HAD 3 INCH SCREWS HOLDING IT IN!!!
I was stuck in there
it was about 2 pm, and the kids weren’t going to be home until 5:30.
I had to do something,
I was drenched and I'd only been in there like 5 minutes.
I was sure I would die if I stayed in there a second longer.
I made a decision.
I would break down the door and buy a new one with a proper lock on it.
looking around all I saw was a 3/4 inch 6 foot by 4 foot piece of plywood, a couple of kids books, a broom from the dollar store and I had a small screw driver.
So I started to pull at the door, the handle came right off!
This is no good
I gotta have something to grab onto so I can wedge my screw driver in there and pry the door enough to slide the plywood in there and bust out.
I used a screw from the chain lock to hold the knob in place
I pried at the door with a book called "the rainbow fish" and the book broke
I pried at the door with a small screwdriver, it broke,
I pried at the door with a dollar store broom, it also broke but I got a space that the plywood fit into and I busted out at about 3:20 pm.
I was soaked in sweat and could hardly breathe but the inspector would be here in the morning so I had to fix the door.
It wasn’t broken that bad, I told myself.
I reattached the padlock with longer screws and reinforcement, I locked it, I went inside thru the front and into the sun porch thru the kitchen door......................totally forgot until the moment that I heard the door click shut all the way.
that THE KITCHEN DOOR IS LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE!!!!
THE DOOR TO THE OUTSIDE WAS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH A HUGE NEWLY REINFORCED PADLOCK
I’m stuck
Again
Theif!
I was 17
Maybe 18
I had just gotten an apartment in Seattle
A room really
Had to share the bathroom with the other people on my floor
My first night there was uneventful
I watched the late show on my 4 inch B&W TV/radio
Then I fell asleep
I woke up to someone knocking which seemed odd since no one knew
I was even living there
It was a man
He looked about 30
Short
Kind of chubby
Freckles
Glasses
Nose hair
Round face
Ugly
Not at all my type
He had a tray with coffee and tea
He said he wanted to welcome me to the building
I had to pee
I told him I had to go down the hall to the bathroom and that I would be right back
When I came back he acted weird
Very different from the cheerful chubby dork that I left there just a few minutes ago
Like he was in a huge hurry
He said he hoped I enjoyed the coffee or tea, whichever I preferred and he left
I was glad he left
I don’t like company first thing in the morning
Especially from ugly fat little strangers
I drank the coffee
And the tea
Later I was deciding what I would put where
I had only one suitcase
One laundry basket
A 4inch TV
A night stand
A dresser
A can of forest green house paint
And a bed
But I still wanted to rearrange the room
I noticed the tray and the cups sitting on the dresser
I didn’t want that guy coming back so I decided to return it
I knocked on the door
I could hear someone in there
It was taking forever for him to answer tho
I knocked again
Louder this time
He finally came to the door
He was all sweaty
Wearing nothing but a pair of red 70’s looking shorts that were too short with white piping around the edges
His hair was wet
His face was red
His hands were behind his back
I thought “what a fuckin' weird guy, I bet he never gets laid”
I said “here’s your stuff” and handed it to him
When he reached for it he dropped something from behind his back
I looked down at the floor
It was MY underwear!
From my laundry basket
That fuckin' ugly, chubby, little, round-faced pervert stole my panties when I was in the bathroom.
I bent down and picked up my panties
I looked at him and said “these are mine”
He started to stutter
I said “never mind, keep em, I don’t want 'em anymore and you'd better stay the fuck away from me”
As I started back down the hall he followed
Explaining how he planned to return the panties and begging me not to report him to the building manager because he would get kicked out
Apparently he had stolen panties from other tenants in the past
He was such an ugly little guy
I felt sorry for him
For a second I even thought about giving him some more underwear because he seemed so pathetic
But I changed my mind and I told him he wouldn’t get a second chance and that not only would I report him but also that I was only 17 and had many older friends to look out for me
Ant if they were to get wind of the chubby little panty stealing perv they might be tempted to bash his chubby ugly little round face in.
He did seem quite frightened
Strange thing is
In the 3 months I lived there
I never saw that guy again
But someone did write some not so nice words about him on his door
Who knows?
Maybe he fashioned a rope from stolen undies and hung himself in that room down the hall
That’s what I would have done if I was him
Maybe 18
I had just gotten an apartment in Seattle
A room really
Had to share the bathroom with the other people on my floor
My first night there was uneventful
I watched the late show on my 4 inch B&W TV/radio
Then I fell asleep
I woke up to someone knocking which seemed odd since no one knew
I was even living there
It was a man
He looked about 30
Short
Kind of chubby
Freckles
Glasses
Nose hair
Round face
Ugly
Not at all my type
He had a tray with coffee and tea
He said he wanted to welcome me to the building
I had to pee
I told him I had to go down the hall to the bathroom and that I would be right back
When I came back he acted weird
Very different from the cheerful chubby dork that I left there just a few minutes ago
Like he was in a huge hurry
He said he hoped I enjoyed the coffee or tea, whichever I preferred and he left
I was glad he left
I don’t like company first thing in the morning
Especially from ugly fat little strangers
I drank the coffee
And the tea
Later I was deciding what I would put where
I had only one suitcase
One laundry basket
A 4inch TV
A night stand
A dresser
A can of forest green house paint
And a bed
But I still wanted to rearrange the room
I noticed the tray and the cups sitting on the dresser
I didn’t want that guy coming back so I decided to return it
I knocked on the door
I could hear someone in there
It was taking forever for him to answer tho
I knocked again
Louder this time
He finally came to the door
He was all sweaty
Wearing nothing but a pair of red 70’s looking shorts that were too short with white piping around the edges
His hair was wet
His face was red
His hands were behind his back
I thought “what a fuckin' weird guy, I bet he never gets laid”
I said “here’s your stuff” and handed it to him
When he reached for it he dropped something from behind his back
I looked down at the floor
It was MY underwear!
From my laundry basket
That fuckin' ugly, chubby, little, round-faced pervert stole my panties when I was in the bathroom.
I bent down and picked up my panties
I looked at him and said “these are mine”
He started to stutter
I said “never mind, keep em, I don’t want 'em anymore and you'd better stay the fuck away from me”
As I started back down the hall he followed
Explaining how he planned to return the panties and begging me not to report him to the building manager because he would get kicked out
Apparently he had stolen panties from other tenants in the past
He was such an ugly little guy
I felt sorry for him
For a second I even thought about giving him some more underwear because he seemed so pathetic
But I changed my mind and I told him he wouldn’t get a second chance and that not only would I report him but also that I was only 17 and had many older friends to look out for me
Ant if they were to get wind of the chubby little panty stealing perv they might be tempted to bash his chubby ugly little round face in.
He did seem quite frightened
Strange thing is
In the 3 months I lived there
I never saw that guy again
But someone did write some not so nice words about him on his door
Who knows?
Maybe he fashioned a rope from stolen undies and hung himself in that room down the hall
That’s what I would have done if I was him
True Facts
When you buy a roast there is a thingy on the bottom, kind of like a maxi pad, you’re not supposed to cook that thing
The stuff inside of the chicken or turkey is not stuffing, its necks n guts.
I have no Idea why they put that nasty shit inside there in the first place but its supposed to be removed before you cook the bird.
If you get hit between the eyes just right you can get two black eyes.
Always point the bottle of Andre’s away from your face even when you’re just removing the wire cage thingy because that plastic cork can pop at any second, hit you between the eyes and you might get two black eyes.
The powdered stuff in the dark brown can marked “HERSHEY’S” is not hot chocolate.
I’m not exactly sure what it is, I think its for baking, all I know is that it tastes like crap.
Pie cherries in a can taste nothing like cherry pie, not sure what ya gotta do to em to make em taste like cherry pie but take my word for it, just because the can says pie cherries doesn’t mean there is cherry pie filling inside.
If your baby chokes, even a little bit, on a bone from a boneless chicken strip you got at Jack in the Box, well that’s worth approximately 500 bucks.
Falling up the stairs can hurt just as much, if not more than falling down the stairs.
Most people are more likable and better looking online than they are in person.
Three out of 5 men in the bar have a condom in their wallet that they should have already used but didn’t, is most likely expired and has a warning label that says “store in a cool dry place”.
Men don’t seem to know that the inside of a wallet that is inside a back pocket probably isn’t the coolest or driest of places. Its not a good idea to drink milk at someone else’s house unless you bought the milk yourself.
No matter how many times you back up the dustpan, there will still be a little line of dust on the floor
Even if they haven’t a fucking clue as to what you just said, people that do not speeka dee ingleesh, will usually nod their heads in agreement and either say “OK” or “Yes”.
Which can cause problems later because they actually had no Idea what it was they agreed to or agreed to do.
No matter what people that have been in jail say, the wrappers from tampons and pages from the bible do not make good rolling papers.
Its probably a good idea to come up with an excuse ahead of time for unforeseen incidents
like if your kids find that inflatable woman with the beer holder on her head and blow her up so they can use her as a floatation device in the kiddy pool out in the front yard and the neighbors happen to see
Or if they find 4 cans of fluorescent road paint and paint their little brother along with all the mailboxes, fences and cars in the neighborhood.
Taking the kids to the elderly couple’s house next door to admit what they have done in hopes of teaching them a lesson probably wont work because the old lady will just give them a candy bar or some cookies and a hug.
If you want your whites to have that faded tie-dyed look just have a kid toss a box of crayons into the dryer.
If you see your toddler with a tiny slug on the tip of his finger, don’t tell him to “flick it” because he will probably think you said “lick it” and …well you get the idea.
Never go outside during a thunderstorm and hold a shovel and a pair of gardening sheers up in the air while your kid is in the bathtub because your shovel or your sheers might get hit by lightning and toss you three or so feet where you land flat on your back semi conscience and the neighbor might call 911 and by the time you realize what is going on your poor kid is sitting naked in a tub full of freezing cold bathwater.
The stuff inside of the chicken or turkey is not stuffing, its necks n guts.
I have no Idea why they put that nasty shit inside there in the first place but its supposed to be removed before you cook the bird.
If you get hit between the eyes just right you can get two black eyes.
Always point the bottle of Andre’s away from your face even when you’re just removing the wire cage thingy because that plastic cork can pop at any second, hit you between the eyes and you might get two black eyes.
The powdered stuff in the dark brown can marked “HERSHEY’S” is not hot chocolate.
I’m not exactly sure what it is, I think its for baking, all I know is that it tastes like crap.
Pie cherries in a can taste nothing like cherry pie, not sure what ya gotta do to em to make em taste like cherry pie but take my word for it, just because the can says pie cherries doesn’t mean there is cherry pie filling inside.
If your baby chokes, even a little bit, on a bone from a boneless chicken strip you got at Jack in the Box, well that’s worth approximately 500 bucks.
Falling up the stairs can hurt just as much, if not more than falling down the stairs.
Most people are more likable and better looking online than they are in person.
Three out of 5 men in the bar have a condom in their wallet that they should have already used but didn’t, is most likely expired and has a warning label that says “store in a cool dry place”.
Men don’t seem to know that the inside of a wallet that is inside a back pocket probably isn’t the coolest or driest of places. Its not a good idea to drink milk at someone else’s house unless you bought the milk yourself.
No matter how many times you back up the dustpan, there will still be a little line of dust on the floor
Even if they haven’t a fucking clue as to what you just said, people that do not speeka dee ingleesh, will usually nod their heads in agreement and either say “OK” or “Yes”.
Which can cause problems later because they actually had no Idea what it was they agreed to or agreed to do.
No matter what people that have been in jail say, the wrappers from tampons and pages from the bible do not make good rolling papers.
Its probably a good idea to come up with an excuse ahead of time for unforeseen incidents
like if your kids find that inflatable woman with the beer holder on her head and blow her up so they can use her as a floatation device in the kiddy pool out in the front yard and the neighbors happen to see
Or if they find 4 cans of fluorescent road paint and paint their little brother along with all the mailboxes, fences and cars in the neighborhood.
Taking the kids to the elderly couple’s house next door to admit what they have done in hopes of teaching them a lesson probably wont work because the old lady will just give them a candy bar or some cookies and a hug.
If you want your whites to have that faded tie-dyed look just have a kid toss a box of crayons into the dryer.
If you see your toddler with a tiny slug on the tip of his finger, don’t tell him to “flick it” because he will probably think you said “lick it” and …well you get the idea.
Never go outside during a thunderstorm and hold a shovel and a pair of gardening sheers up in the air while your kid is in the bathtub because your shovel or your sheers might get hit by lightning and toss you three or so feet where you land flat on your back semi conscience and the neighbor might call 911 and by the time you realize what is going on your poor kid is sitting naked in a tub full of freezing cold bathwater.
Pieces of Me
When I was 10 I had two friends
Make that three
Cindy Weyna
Nyla Smith
And Becky Dickey
They didn’t like each other
We weren’t a group
They had to take turns being my friend
No one ever likes to share me
Anyway
Cindy was a bit of a goody two shoes
She had a little sister named Diana
They were rarely allowed out of their fenced yard
Diana was two years younger than Cindy and me
She was also way bigger
And one day she was sitting on the love seat in front of me and her arms were resting over her head
I saw something that frightened me
She had hair!
Under her arms!
She was only like 8 years old
It not only grossed me out but I was afraid it would happen to me
It didn’t tho
At least not for a very very long time
I didn’t even grow pubic hair til I was 19
Cindy wore glasses and had long think dark hair
She never got in trouble
Unlike me
I was always in big trouble
Then there was Becky
Becky was the youngest kid in house full of grown brothers and sisters
Her mom worked so she had much freedom
Kind of like me only she had a curfew
I hung out with Becky most
I used to think Becky and her family were rich
They had cable TV and an answering machine
Plus their house was made from bricks
Becky had bad teeth, ate mayonnaise sandwiches and played the cello
And Nyla was the second oldest of 8 or 9 kids
Their house was confusing and chaotic to me
3 year olds, teens, BB guns, Barbie dolls…
Her mom was white and her dad (who we rarely ever saw) was black
Which was rare in the part of west Seattle that we lived
I used to like a boy named Scott Anderson
I would make my dog run passed his house and pretend she got away , chase after her back and forth in front of his house til he came out to help me catch her
Once Scott asked me “will you go with me?”
I said “go where?”
He repeated the question
I repeated mine
Then he said never mind
The next day my friend Becky told me she and Scott were boyfriend and girlfriend
That they were “going together”
I finally understood what had happened
I thought if I explained to her that it was me who Scott really wanted to go with, she would understand
But not only did she not understand
She didn’t even believe me
That day after school Scott, Becky and I hung out at the park
They went off in the bushes to kiss a few times
I had a hard time with that
I knew he liked me more
Why was he kissing her?
Even tho I could tell they were trying to be alone
I stayed close by all day
Then it was finally curfew time for Becky
YAY
We walked her home
They kissed again
I nearly horked
Then Scott said he would walk me home
He was pushing his bike all day because Becky and I were on foot
But while “walking” me home he rode it
He rode slowly enough that I could keep up
But he wasn’t walking next to me like I thought he should have been
On the way he said he would tell me something if I promised not to tell Becky
I promised
But I had my fingers crossed
He told me that I was his first choice but she lived closer
I wanted to beat him up
Then he asked me if he could kiss me
I wanted to say yes
But I didn’t
instead I knocked him off his bike
I kicked in the spokes
I told him I hated him and I wouldn’t kiss him even if he was a kitten
Then I ran home and cried myself to sleep
All alone
With only my beloved Mick Jagger poster to comfort me
The next day I tried to talk to my friend Nyla about it but she didn’t seem to understand at all
We had a sort of culture gap she and I
She liked Stevie Wonder and Menudo
I liked Queen and The Bay City Rollers
That was 4th and 5th grade
We were all in the same class at E.C. Hughes Elementary
The summer between 5th and 6th grade I moved
To Lower Skyway
I hated it
I tried to stay in touch with my 3 friends but after a while we lost touch
Cindy became a drug addict/alcoholic
Becky got married and had kids at a very early age
Nyla joined the Navy and lived in Hawaii
Me, I ran away from home, traveled this country and few others, got strung out, went to jail, got clean, got married, got divorced, had kids and stuff.
I recently called Cindy’s parents house
They still live there
Still have the same number
All 3 of their phone numbers are still in my head to this day
I left a message w/ her mom but I doubt she’ll ever get it
The two and a half years I spent on 29th and Holden in West Seattle were the best times of my life
That’s the longest we has ever lived anywhere
We played in the sand pits
That's where I got stuck in wet mud that we thought was quick sand and had to crawl out of my pants and shoes to get out
That's also where I was stung by 56 hornets on the same day
Little word of advice: Just because you block the hole in hornet's nest in the ground doesn't mean they cant get out
I played baseball
There was a block party every 4th
I remember in 79 when the Seattle Supersonics won the championship
There was a block party then too
We had a park about a half block away
With a wading pool
I had a plastic banana shaped skateboard
I loved that wading pool
We listened to Queen's Another one bites the dust because it was the long running number 1 song
And The knack, Gary Newman, Billy Joel, Captain and toenail... I had all the K-tel records
I ran around free, no one to boss me around
My mom worked
Or at least that's where I believed her to be at the time
Wherever she was, it wasn't at home
I went swimming
Oh yeah swimming
I walked about 4 miles almost every single day after school
Even in the middle of winter
To the southwest community center
With my lunch money
So I could go swimming
Most of the time I was the only person there
I went because I had a crush on a lifeguard
I liked him because he talked to me like I was already grown up
And he had a nice smile
When he moved to another job
I quit swimming
I had a cat that I had had since I was 5
Her name was Daisy
I also had a bunny
Snowball (he came with that name)
Snowball was a show bunny
He had a tattoo in his ear that said R1D2
He was in love with Daisy
And she didn't seem to mind
That bunny would hump that cat
when he wasn't humping the cat
He was following her around trying to hump her
We also had two Irish setters when we lived there
Penny and Casey
We got penny when we lived in Federal way a few years earlier
We brought her with us when we moved to an apartment in the projects near Seward Park
Penny obviously didn’t like living in the hood
She took off
For almost a year
Then the weirdest thing happened
The day we were moving to West Seattle
The last truckload of stuff
Here comes Penny
Like she was just waiting all that time to leave the projects
We got Casey after we moved to West Seattle
They had 12 pups
Then Casey got mange
And I know my mom and Step Dad had him put to sleep rather than deal with it even tho they claimed to have given him to someone that would take care of him
When the last puppy was gone Penny quit eating
She quit barking at the doorbell
She quit everything
She just lay on the floor
For almost two weeks
I tried to stay near her
She seemed so sad and so sick
Then one night there was a skating party
I didn’t want to leave Penny but everyone was going to be at Skate King and I wanted to go so bad
I went
I had a great time
But when we came in the door
Penny wasn’t there
We found her in my room
Dead
Looked like she fell off the bed or something
Her legs were all twisted
I was too sad to even cry
She died because we got rid of her family
And because I went skating
She died of loneliness
I hated my mom for not letting Penny keep one of her babies
My mom tried to say that Penny was poisoned
Like that would make it all ok
That same summer we bought a picknik set from a truck on the street
We were having a BBQ
My mom's friend "Big Dave" was there
He weighed over 500 pounds
He sat on our new bench and it broke right in half
took 4 grown men to get him off the ground
I was in big trouble
as usual
this time for laughing at Fat ass Dave's misfortune
Well I guess that’s enough for now
I don’t even know what this is all about
Other than I was in west Seattle a few days ago and just being there brought back a lot of memories
I still think things would have been different
Different in a better way
Had we not moved away from there
I wonder if the live Christmas Tree I insisted we get is still planted in the front yard of 7224 29th S. W..
I wish I could afford to raise my boys there
Make that three
Cindy Weyna
Nyla Smith
And Becky Dickey
They didn’t like each other
We weren’t a group
They had to take turns being my friend
No one ever likes to share me
Anyway
Cindy was a bit of a goody two shoes
She had a little sister named Diana
They were rarely allowed out of their fenced yard
Diana was two years younger than Cindy and me
She was also way bigger
And one day she was sitting on the love seat in front of me and her arms were resting over her head
I saw something that frightened me
She had hair!
Under her arms!
She was only like 8 years old
It not only grossed me out but I was afraid it would happen to me
It didn’t tho
At least not for a very very long time
I didn’t even grow pubic hair til I was 19
Cindy wore glasses and had long think dark hair
She never got in trouble
Unlike me
I was always in big trouble
Then there was Becky
Becky was the youngest kid in house full of grown brothers and sisters
Her mom worked so she had much freedom
Kind of like me only she had a curfew
I hung out with Becky most
I used to think Becky and her family were rich
They had cable TV and an answering machine
Plus their house was made from bricks
Becky had bad teeth, ate mayonnaise sandwiches and played the cello
And Nyla was the second oldest of 8 or 9 kids
Their house was confusing and chaotic to me
3 year olds, teens, BB guns, Barbie dolls…
Her mom was white and her dad (who we rarely ever saw) was black
Which was rare in the part of west Seattle that we lived
I used to like a boy named Scott Anderson
I would make my dog run passed his house and pretend she got away , chase after her back and forth in front of his house til he came out to help me catch her
Once Scott asked me “will you go with me?”
I said “go where?”
He repeated the question
I repeated mine
Then he said never mind
The next day my friend Becky told me she and Scott were boyfriend and girlfriend
That they were “going together”
I finally understood what had happened
I thought if I explained to her that it was me who Scott really wanted to go with, she would understand
But not only did she not understand
She didn’t even believe me
That day after school Scott, Becky and I hung out at the park
They went off in the bushes to kiss a few times
I had a hard time with that
I knew he liked me more
Why was he kissing her?
Even tho I could tell they were trying to be alone
I stayed close by all day
Then it was finally curfew time for Becky
YAY
We walked her home
They kissed again
I nearly horked
Then Scott said he would walk me home
He was pushing his bike all day because Becky and I were on foot
But while “walking” me home he rode it
He rode slowly enough that I could keep up
But he wasn’t walking next to me like I thought he should have been
On the way he said he would tell me something if I promised not to tell Becky
I promised
But I had my fingers crossed
He told me that I was his first choice but she lived closer
I wanted to beat him up
Then he asked me if he could kiss me
I wanted to say yes
But I didn’t
instead I knocked him off his bike
I kicked in the spokes
I told him I hated him and I wouldn’t kiss him even if he was a kitten
Then I ran home and cried myself to sleep
All alone
With only my beloved Mick Jagger poster to comfort me
The next day I tried to talk to my friend Nyla about it but she didn’t seem to understand at all
We had a sort of culture gap she and I
She liked Stevie Wonder and Menudo
I liked Queen and The Bay City Rollers
That was 4th and 5th grade
We were all in the same class at E.C. Hughes Elementary
The summer between 5th and 6th grade I moved
To Lower Skyway
I hated it
I tried to stay in touch with my 3 friends but after a while we lost touch
Cindy became a drug addict/alcoholic
Becky got married and had kids at a very early age
Nyla joined the Navy and lived in Hawaii
Me, I ran away from home, traveled this country and few others, got strung out, went to jail, got clean, got married, got divorced, had kids and stuff.
I recently called Cindy’s parents house
They still live there
Still have the same number
All 3 of their phone numbers are still in my head to this day
I left a message w/ her mom but I doubt she’ll ever get it
The two and a half years I spent on 29th and Holden in West Seattle were the best times of my life
That’s the longest we has ever lived anywhere
We played in the sand pits
That's where I got stuck in wet mud that we thought was quick sand and had to crawl out of my pants and shoes to get out
That's also where I was stung by 56 hornets on the same day
Little word of advice: Just because you block the hole in hornet's nest in the ground doesn't mean they cant get out
I played baseball
There was a block party every 4th
I remember in 79 when the Seattle Supersonics won the championship
There was a block party then too
We had a park about a half block away
With a wading pool
I had a plastic banana shaped skateboard
I loved that wading pool
We listened to Queen's Another one bites the dust because it was the long running number 1 song
And The knack, Gary Newman, Billy Joel, Captain and toenail... I had all the K-tel records
I ran around free, no one to boss me around
My mom worked
Or at least that's where I believed her to be at the time
Wherever she was, it wasn't at home
I went swimming
Oh yeah swimming
I walked about 4 miles almost every single day after school
Even in the middle of winter
To the southwest community center
With my lunch money
So I could go swimming
Most of the time I was the only person there
I went because I had a crush on a lifeguard
I liked him because he talked to me like I was already grown up
And he had a nice smile
When he moved to another job
I quit swimming
I had a cat that I had had since I was 5
Her name was Daisy
I also had a bunny
Snowball (he came with that name)
Snowball was a show bunny
He had a tattoo in his ear that said R1D2
He was in love with Daisy
And she didn't seem to mind
That bunny would hump that cat
when he wasn't humping the cat
He was following her around trying to hump her
We also had two Irish setters when we lived there
Penny and Casey
We got penny when we lived in Federal way a few years earlier
We brought her with us when we moved to an apartment in the projects near Seward Park
Penny obviously didn’t like living in the hood
She took off
For almost a year
Then the weirdest thing happened
The day we were moving to West Seattle
The last truckload of stuff
Here comes Penny
Like she was just waiting all that time to leave the projects
We got Casey after we moved to West Seattle
They had 12 pups
Then Casey got mange
And I know my mom and Step Dad had him put to sleep rather than deal with it even tho they claimed to have given him to someone that would take care of him
When the last puppy was gone Penny quit eating
She quit barking at the doorbell
She quit everything
She just lay on the floor
For almost two weeks
I tried to stay near her
She seemed so sad and so sick
Then one night there was a skating party
I didn’t want to leave Penny but everyone was going to be at Skate King and I wanted to go so bad
I went
I had a great time
But when we came in the door
Penny wasn’t there
We found her in my room
Dead
Looked like she fell off the bed or something
Her legs were all twisted
I was too sad to even cry
She died because we got rid of her family
And because I went skating
She died of loneliness
I hated my mom for not letting Penny keep one of her babies
My mom tried to say that Penny was poisoned
Like that would make it all ok
That same summer we bought a picknik set from a truck on the street
We were having a BBQ
My mom's friend "Big Dave" was there
He weighed over 500 pounds
He sat on our new bench and it broke right in half
took 4 grown men to get him off the ground
I was in big trouble
as usual
this time for laughing at Fat ass Dave's misfortune
Well I guess that’s enough for now
I don’t even know what this is all about
Other than I was in west Seattle a few days ago and just being there brought back a lot of memories
I still think things would have been different
Different in a better way
Had we not moved away from there
I wonder if the live Christmas Tree I insisted we get is still planted in the front yard of 7224 29th S. W..
I wish I could afford to raise my boys there
Oh no, not another learning experience
Yes
But this time the lesson isn't mine
I already know this stuff
1.Never marry a man just because he buys you a plastic glow in the dark yo-yo with an alien head on it.
2. Do not try to dry your socks in the microwave.
3. When someone offers to pay you back later do not say "don't worry about it"
4. If you are playing pool and someone is holding the chalk and saying "eww, this chalk smells funny" while holding it out towards your face, don't sniff it.
5. If the cage says not to stick your fingers in it.... just don't stick your fingers in it. What's so hard about that?
So yeah, I have had blue chalk on my nose, burn holes in my socks, band aids on my fingers and a lump on my forehead from that stupid glow in the dark yo-yo.
I'm divorced
People who should owe me money, don't anymore because the phrase "don't worry about it" pretty much means "you don't have to pay me back ....ever."
and as for number 6...
well I read that in Maxim Magazine ...................
and I did it all for you.
So you can learn from my mistakes.
You can thank me later
This learning experience has been brought to you today by Rainyday Superstar, the number one
And by the letter F
But this time the lesson isn't mine
I already know this stuff
1.Never marry a man just because he buys you a plastic glow in the dark yo-yo with an alien head on it.
2. Do not try to dry your socks in the microwave.
3. When someone offers to pay you back later do not say "don't worry about it"
4. If you are playing pool and someone is holding the chalk and saying "eww, this chalk smells funny" while holding it out towards your face, don't sniff it.
5. If the cage says not to stick your fingers in it.... just don't stick your fingers in it. What's so hard about that?
So yeah, I have had blue chalk on my nose, burn holes in my socks, band aids on my fingers and a lump on my forehead from that stupid glow in the dark yo-yo.
I'm divorced
People who should owe me money, don't anymore because the phrase "don't worry about it" pretty much means "you don't have to pay me back ....ever."
and as for number 6...
well I read that in Maxim Magazine ...................
and I did it all for you.
So you can learn from my mistakes.
You can thank me later
This learning experience has been brought to you today by Rainyday Superstar, the number one
And by the letter F
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Pilot and Me
I was only 15 (almost 16)
When I got my first apartment
Anyway
As you have probably heard I can’t, don’t, won’t cook
I never wanted to learn
I didn’t even know how to work the oven
It was a gas oven
I had no clue what that meant
I wanted to dry my shoes
It rains a lot in Seattle
My shoes were soaked and they were my only pair
I called the landlord
I pretended I was trying to work the oven so I could cook food
I didn’t want him to know I was drying shoes in there
I told him that when I turned the knob nothing happened
He said “the pilot must be out; just light it and the oven will come on”
I, not wanting to sound too stupid said “OK” instead of asking what a pilot was
So I thanked him and hung up the phone
Back in the dinky kitchen I inspected the entire oven
Looking for a label or sign or anything that said “PILOT” on it
There was nothing
So I turned all the knobs and held a lighter to the top of the stove
Well how bout that!
The stove lit It worked fine
The oven must work the same way
I turned on the oven
Opened it
Stuck my entire upper body, arm first, inside
Looking for the place where the gas shot out
Like it did on the stove
I could smell it but I couldn’t see where to light it
I lit the lighter thinking I could see better if I had a little light
WOOOOOOOOOOSH!
It made a sound like that
Kinda
It was HOT too
For the next 4 or 6 months I wore an ugly hat every single day
Because when I lit that lighter and that big ball of flames shot out
I burned my bangs off completely
Not to mention the hair on my arms
My eyebrows
And my eyelashes
People called me “that girl with the hat”
Much like they call me “That redhead” today
Anyway I still don’t know where they keep the pilot light on a gas oven
I never tried it again
The whole time I lived there I only used the stove
And my feet got all ooogy from wearing wet shoes all the time
When I got my first apartment
Anyway
As you have probably heard I can’t, don’t, won’t cook
I never wanted to learn
I didn’t even know how to work the oven
It was a gas oven
I had no clue what that meant
I wanted to dry my shoes
It rains a lot in Seattle
My shoes were soaked and they were my only pair
I called the landlord
I pretended I was trying to work the oven so I could cook food
I didn’t want him to know I was drying shoes in there
I told him that when I turned the knob nothing happened
He said “the pilot must be out; just light it and the oven will come on”
I, not wanting to sound too stupid said “OK” instead of asking what a pilot was
So I thanked him and hung up the phone
Back in the dinky kitchen I inspected the entire oven
Looking for a label or sign or anything that said “PILOT” on it
There was nothing
So I turned all the knobs and held a lighter to the top of the stove
Well how bout that!
The stove lit It worked fine
The oven must work the same way
I turned on the oven
Opened it
Stuck my entire upper body, arm first, inside
Looking for the place where the gas shot out
Like it did on the stove
I could smell it but I couldn’t see where to light it
I lit the lighter thinking I could see better if I had a little light
WOOOOOOOOOOSH!
It made a sound like that
Kinda
It was HOT too
For the next 4 or 6 months I wore an ugly hat every single day
Because when I lit that lighter and that big ball of flames shot out
I burned my bangs off completely
Not to mention the hair on my arms
My eyebrows
And my eyelashes
People called me “that girl with the hat”
Much like they call me “That redhead” today
Anyway I still don’t know where they keep the pilot light on a gas oven
I never tried it again
The whole time I lived there I only used the stove
And my feet got all ooogy from wearing wet shoes all the time
Lies
1. I don't masturbate - stupid and unbelievable but a harmless enough thing to lie about
2. I never pee in the shower - also unbelievable but still harmless enough
3. I'll be 29 on August first -- Untrue but more of a joke than a lie
Those are harmless enough lies
These are not
1. I love you - very hurtful, NEVER say this to anyone unless you mean it
2. Yes - also very hurtful. If someone asks you to do something that you know you aren't gonna do, say no for fucksake.
3. BRB - - famous last words
see the difference?
make notes if you have to
And please keep in mind that a mean truth is always better than a nice lie
2. I never pee in the shower - also unbelievable but still harmless enough
3. I'll be 29 on August first -- Untrue but more of a joke than a lie
Those are harmless enough lies
These are not
1. I love you - very hurtful, NEVER say this to anyone unless you mean it
2. Yes - also very hurtful. If someone asks you to do something that you know you aren't gonna do, say no for fucksake.
3. BRB - - famous last words
see the difference?
make notes if you have to
And please keep in mind that a mean truth is always better than a nice lie
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I named him Honus, after Jesus
I know I told these last few stories before but someone asked me to re-post I'm not sure where this was originally posted but I assume it MySpace somewhere between 05 and 07
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confession time
My longtime internet friends are used to these confessions
I used to do it thru a mass email
but the blog has given me a new place to unload
I’m not quite sure why I do it
Probably some residual effect from my few years in Catholic School
I just feel a need to confess every now and then
I probably would have kept this one to myself forever but I mentioned Honus In a previous blog entry
and the more I thought about him
the more I felt that need to confess
He was named after Jesus
You did know that Honus is what the H standsfor in "Jesus H Christ" right?
OK maybe I made that part up
But the rest is true
And carrying it around is quite a burdon
OK
Here goes....
I woke up in the morning and went out to the screen porch to let Honus outside and found that he was already gone
I was so worried
He was only 3 months old
And so naughty
I just knew he was going to get into trouble
Or worse He could be puppynapped!
We were living in a small town in West Central Hell AKA Browns Valley Minnesota
People there would go nuts over Honus being as he was a green eyed purebred Chocolate Lab
Everyone wanted him
They would say stupid shit like “Just a pet?
Or "What perfect waste of good hunting dog”
Well after worrying half the morning and organizing a small search party consisting of myself and my 3 boys
I finally found Honus
In the junk yard of all places
He was covered in god knows what
And stinking like a combination of chicken shit and skunk
The rest of that day was spent deskunkifying Honus and securing what I thought was an inescapable pen
The next morning I went to check on Honus and he was gone
In his place was a very large white Nike with a red stripe
It looked brand new
I had never seen it before
Who needs one shoe?
It was trash day
I tossed it
We found Honus later that morning
I found where he has escaped and I thought I fixed it pretty good
But the next morning there was no Honus
Instead there was a brown shoe
Not as big as the Nike I had found the day before but just as new
Same thing the following day only it was a small white moccasin
And the day after A blue sandal
When trash day came I had all these shoes in different sizes with no mates so I tossed em out
I ordered Honus a dog run since I was obviously the worlds worst dog pen builder but it would take 5 days to arrive
The next four or five days the mates to the shoes I had thrown away showed up at my house
I was bewildered
Then while taking Honus for a walk
I ran into a neighbor from down the block
He talked about the weather
He talked about how he had just gotten new carpet
And how he didn’t want anyone walking on it
How he had told his friends and family to leave their shoes outside on the porch
I suddenly realized where the shoes came from
I didn’t say a word I just listened to him accuse his next door neighbor of stealing the shoes because he was jealous of the new carpet
People from small Midwestern towns are very strange
The theft of the shoes became the talk of the town
I listened to the story about twenty times In the city liquor store
At the library
In the news office
At the café
At hardware hank’s
The tale got bigger and bigger
And the feud between the guy with the new carpet and his next door neighbor got more and more heated
To the point that the new carpet guy shot a hole thru the accused shoe thief’s new duck hunting boat and another thru his fish house
I never said a word about finding those shoes
And I snickered and smiled at Honus every time the subject of the feuding neighbors came up
Well that's a load off
Thanks
I feel better now
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confession time
My longtime internet friends are used to these confessions
I used to do it thru a mass email
but the blog has given me a new place to unload
I’m not quite sure why I do it
Probably some residual effect from my few years in Catholic School
I just feel a need to confess every now and then
I probably would have kept this one to myself forever but I mentioned Honus In a previous blog entry
and the more I thought about him
the more I felt that need to confess
He was named after Jesus
You did know that Honus is what the H standsfor in "Jesus H Christ" right?
OK maybe I made that part up
But the rest is true
And carrying it around is quite a burdon
OK
Here goes....
I woke up in the morning and went out to the screen porch to let Honus outside and found that he was already gone
I was so worried
He was only 3 months old
And so naughty
I just knew he was going to get into trouble
Or worse He could be puppynapped!
We were living in a small town in West Central Hell AKA Browns Valley Minnesota
People there would go nuts over Honus being as he was a green eyed purebred Chocolate Lab
Everyone wanted him
They would say stupid shit like “Just a pet?
Or "What perfect waste of good hunting dog”
Well after worrying half the morning and organizing a small search party consisting of myself and my 3 boys
I finally found Honus
In the junk yard of all places
He was covered in god knows what
And stinking like a combination of chicken shit and skunk
The rest of that day was spent deskunkifying Honus and securing what I thought was an inescapable pen
The next morning I went to check on Honus and he was gone
In his place was a very large white Nike with a red stripe
It looked brand new
I had never seen it before
Who needs one shoe?
It was trash day
I tossed it
We found Honus later that morning
I found where he has escaped and I thought I fixed it pretty good
But the next morning there was no Honus
Instead there was a brown shoe
Not as big as the Nike I had found the day before but just as new
Same thing the following day only it was a small white moccasin
And the day after A blue sandal
When trash day came I had all these shoes in different sizes with no mates so I tossed em out
I ordered Honus a dog run since I was obviously the worlds worst dog pen builder but it would take 5 days to arrive
The next four or five days the mates to the shoes I had thrown away showed up at my house
I was bewildered
Then while taking Honus for a walk
I ran into a neighbor from down the block
He talked about the weather
He talked about how he had just gotten new carpet
And how he didn’t want anyone walking on it
How he had told his friends and family to leave their shoes outside on the porch
I suddenly realized where the shoes came from
I didn’t say a word I just listened to him accuse his next door neighbor of stealing the shoes because he was jealous of the new carpet
People from small Midwestern towns are very strange
The theft of the shoes became the talk of the town
I listened to the story about twenty times In the city liquor store
At the library
In the news office
At the café
At hardware hank’s
The tale got bigger and bigger
And the feud between the guy with the new carpet and his next door neighbor got more and more heated
To the point that the new carpet guy shot a hole thru the accused shoe thief’s new duck hunting boat and another thru his fish house
I never said a word about finding those shoes
And I snickered and smiled at Honus every time the subject of the feuding neighbors came up
Well that's a load off
Thanks
I feel better now
The Salt of the Earth
(first posted on myspace mid 05)
I was in the 7th grade
I had recently transferred to Dimmitt Middle School
From Southshore
Dimmitt was mostly white kids
I had spent most of that school year at Southshore where most of the kids were black
I was used to changing schools though
And used to fitting in
I changed schools at least once a year and sometimes more
It was nearly summer
I only had 6 weeks til summer vacation
The white girls at Dimmitt were very different from the white girls at Southshore
They didn't wear make-up
They didn't sneak out at night
They were "good-girls"
Or they were until I got there
Or so I was told
I took the blame for them becoming "regular teenagers"
The first of the three suspensions I received during the 6 weeks I spent at Dimmitt came only ten days after I started.
I was in the bathroom with about 6 other girls
Teaching them how to heat the black eyeliner in the red pencil with a match so that it would go on way too dark
Because at the time, that was the way to do it
A teacher came in and chased us out because the bell had already rung
About 10 minutes later someone came and pulled me from class
Apparently there was fire somewhere in a garbage can
I started no fire
But I had matches
The principal wanted to paddle me
But I told him to get fucked
There was no way in hell I was gonna bend over so some big perverted asshole could check out my ass and paddle me with a wooden board with holes in it
I was suspended, accused, charged and convicted of arson
I received community service
I was to work at the fire station in Skyway
As you may know, firemen have much free time since there aren't all that many fires in any given day
There was nothing for me to do there but play video games help wash the already clean trucks and fall in love with about three of the firefighters
It was almost summer
They would take off their shirts to wash the trucks
We would have water fights
I remember spending hours getting ready to go do my community service
The guys were so nice to me
They bought me fried chicken and Popsicles
The always acted happy when I arrived
Always smiled at me
And when my time was up they all gave me big hugs (even tho I wanted kisses)
Today while trying my best to muster up a good childhood memory
The three weeks I spent at that fire station is all that came to mind
My Gran used to say "Firemen are the salt of the earth"
I didn't know what it meant but I knew it was something very good
Then again she also said that very same thing about cops
Ummmmm
That's all
I was in the 7th grade
I had recently transferred to Dimmitt Middle School
From Southshore
Dimmitt was mostly white kids
I had spent most of that school year at Southshore where most of the kids were black
I was used to changing schools though
And used to fitting in
I changed schools at least once a year and sometimes more
It was nearly summer
I only had 6 weeks til summer vacation
The white girls at Dimmitt were very different from the white girls at Southshore
They didn't wear make-up
They didn't sneak out at night
They were "good-girls"
Or they were until I got there
Or so I was told
I took the blame for them becoming "regular teenagers"
The first of the three suspensions I received during the 6 weeks I spent at Dimmitt came only ten days after I started.
I was in the bathroom with about 6 other girls
Teaching them how to heat the black eyeliner in the red pencil with a match so that it would go on way too dark
Because at the time, that was the way to do it
A teacher came in and chased us out because the bell had already rung
About 10 minutes later someone came and pulled me from class
Apparently there was fire somewhere in a garbage can
I started no fire
But I had matches
The principal wanted to paddle me
But I told him to get fucked
There was no way in hell I was gonna bend over so some big perverted asshole could check out my ass and paddle me with a wooden board with holes in it
I was suspended, accused, charged and convicted of arson
I received community service
I was to work at the fire station in Skyway
As you may know, firemen have much free time since there aren't all that many fires in any given day
There was nothing for me to do there but play video games help wash the already clean trucks and fall in love with about three of the firefighters
It was almost summer
They would take off their shirts to wash the trucks
We would have water fights
I remember spending hours getting ready to go do my community service
The guys were so nice to me
They bought me fried chicken and Popsicles
The always acted happy when I arrived
Always smiled at me
And when my time was up they all gave me big hugs (even tho I wanted kisses)
Today while trying my best to muster up a good childhood memory
The three weeks I spent at that fire station is all that came to mind
My Gran used to say "Firemen are the salt of the earth"
I didn't know what it meant but I knew it was something very good
Then again she also said that very same thing about cops
Ummmmm
That's all
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Don't turn around
So we're out house hunting in Tacoma
It's raining
We end up end up here
I don't know how I'm gonna get out of this one
FucK
Friday, December 18, 2009
supposedly found on a wall, doesnt really matter tho, I like it
(Found on a bathroom wall somewhere in the U.S.A.)
You've taken over my mind. You've raped my thoughts with your image viruses then sold me fake cures for your own disease. Your words and pictures scream orders at me like angry prison wardens. When I cover my ears, your voices echo in my head. I hate you. When I see your billboards, your talk shows, your rock concerts and your factories, when I see the work of your twisted libidos, I want to kill you. I want to set fires, plant bombs, derail trains. I want to smash your buildings and tear at your bodies until the skin of my hands is worn to the bone. I am filled with a rage that burns my eyes.
I don't want to feel this way. You have done this to me. These feelings are the fruits of your multi-billion dollar sowing. And I am not alone. There are others like me out here. Every suicide, every madman, every man and woman who gets a gun and just starts shooting -- these are your illegitimate children. They don't all know what they are doing. All they know is hate for the invisible walls which you have raised around them, hate for the narrow path you have tried to make them walk. And the innocent pay in blood for your negligence.
Remember this: My mind is big. The more you try to push me down and make me small, the greater the pressure inside me becomes. The greater the pressure, the greater the chance of an explosion. There was once a time when I felt love, but now I feel only hate and anger, and fear at what I might do. And you can tell me to "BE HAPPY," but I know that you really mean "BE QUIET".
Believe me, I want to be happy. You stand in my way.
You've taken over my mind. You've raped my thoughts with your image viruses then sold me fake cures for your own disease. Your words and pictures scream orders at me like angry prison wardens. When I cover my ears, your voices echo in my head. I hate you. When I see your billboards, your talk shows, your rock concerts and your factories, when I see the work of your twisted libidos, I want to kill you. I want to set fires, plant bombs, derail trains. I want to smash your buildings and tear at your bodies until the skin of my hands is worn to the bone. I am filled with a rage that burns my eyes.
I don't want to feel this way. You have done this to me. These feelings are the fruits of your multi-billion dollar sowing. And I am not alone. There are others like me out here. Every suicide, every madman, every man and woman who gets a gun and just starts shooting -- these are your illegitimate children. They don't all know what they are doing. All they know is hate for the invisible walls which you have raised around them, hate for the narrow path you have tried to make them walk. And the innocent pay in blood for your negligence.
Remember this: My mind is big. The more you try to push me down and make me small, the greater the pressure inside me becomes. The greater the pressure, the greater the chance of an explosion. There was once a time when I felt love, but now I feel only hate and anger, and fear at what I might do. And you can tell me to "BE HAPPY," but I know that you really mean "BE QUIET".
Believe me, I want to be happy. You stand in my way.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Doctor
I have to make a Dr. appointment today
I hate going to the doctor
Once I cut the tip of my finger off
That’s right
I said off
It was on Thanksgiving 1990
I was meeting my then boyfriend’s relatives for the first time
They asked me if I wanted to cut the ham
I LOVE ham
I said yes, of course and the granny handed me an electric knife
She said “careful dear, it’s very sharp”
I was thinking “what does she I am, 12 years old?”
I had never used an electric knife before
All eyes were on me as I started to slice that big fat ham when all of the sudden I saw what appeared to be blood squirting all over the ham and the potatoes and the turkey and the pie and the corn …..
Well you get the picture
I didn’t feel a thing
It happened so fast
I just saw blood all over the thanksgiving dinner
The granny was giving me that “I told you it was sharp” look
I didn’t like her
The bitch
Anyway My then boyfriend said he knew what to do
He said we were to put it (it being my fingertip) in a cup of cold milk
Well the cup had no top and the milk spilled Then the father, son of granny bitch, said it wasn’t milk but yogurt that we needed
So my then boyfriend gets a cigarette cellophane and puts my fingertip and a tablespoon or so of strawberry yogurt in it and we head out the door to the UW Hospital
The hospital was pretty empty but the lady at the desk acted like she was swamped
I said “I cut my finger off” as I showed her the blood-soaked towel that was wrapped around my right hand.
She said “Fill out these forms….”
I was like “WHAT THE FUCK!?!, Didn’t you hear me? I didn’t say I cut my finger, I said I cut my finger OFF”
She still insisted I fill out the forms
The bitch
Probably related to the then boyfriend’s granny
So as I sit there in the waiting area bleeding to death my then boyfriend finds someone that works there and shows him what he has in the cigarette cellophane.
They can’t believe it
Strawberry yogurt!
After the doc is done acting shocked, confused and amused he takes my fingertip into another room to see if it’s well enough to be sewn back on.
I was then escorted to a freezing cold room where the nurse came and told me to “Take everything off and put this on” as she handed me what looked like a large paper towel.
At this point I am already angry about the paperwork and the people there not seeing the urgency of my condition and I was not about to get naked for a doctor to look at my finger.
So I said “No”
She got all bent outa shape
Telling me about policy and shit like that
I told her to go away and she said something about my bad attitude
Yeah, my attitude was bad.
I fucking cut my finger off goddammit
The doc comes in with an 18 inch needle (ok maybe not that big but that’s how I remember it) and he said “this will sting just a little” which is secret doctor code for “its gonna hurt like a mutherfucker”
Then he stuck that giant needle between my fingers, you know, in the little webby part.
Well after all this yelling and lecturing and sewing and gluing
I got my fingertip back and we went home to eat.
When we got there the dinner was gone.
It wasn’t in the fridge
It wasn’t on the counter in tupperware to take with us
Where was it you ask?
I’ll tell you where it was
It was in the dumpster!
Untouched
The entire meal Granny Bitch tossed it because
I “ruined it”
And "how do we know she doesn't have aids?"
Needless to say I didn’t marry the then boyfriend
The raccoons and possums got a fine meal that night
And I still hate going to the doctor
I hate going to the doctor
Once I cut the tip of my finger off
That’s right
I said off
It was on Thanksgiving 1990
I was meeting my then boyfriend’s relatives for the first time
They asked me if I wanted to cut the ham
I LOVE ham
I said yes, of course and the granny handed me an electric knife
She said “careful dear, it’s very sharp”
I was thinking “what does she I am, 12 years old?”
I had never used an electric knife before
All eyes were on me as I started to slice that big fat ham when all of the sudden I saw what appeared to be blood squirting all over the ham and the potatoes and the turkey and the pie and the corn …..
Well you get the picture
I didn’t feel a thing
It happened so fast
I just saw blood all over the thanksgiving dinner
The granny was giving me that “I told you it was sharp” look
I didn’t like her
The bitch
Anyway My then boyfriend said he knew what to do
He said we were to put it (it being my fingertip) in a cup of cold milk
Well the cup had no top and the milk spilled Then the father, son of granny bitch, said it wasn’t milk but yogurt that we needed
So my then boyfriend gets a cigarette cellophane and puts my fingertip and a tablespoon or so of strawberry yogurt in it and we head out the door to the UW Hospital
The hospital was pretty empty but the lady at the desk acted like she was swamped
I said “I cut my finger off” as I showed her the blood-soaked towel that was wrapped around my right hand.
She said “Fill out these forms….”
I was like “WHAT THE FUCK!?!, Didn’t you hear me? I didn’t say I cut my finger, I said I cut my finger OFF”
She still insisted I fill out the forms
The bitch
Probably related to the then boyfriend’s granny
So as I sit there in the waiting area bleeding to death my then boyfriend finds someone that works there and shows him what he has in the cigarette cellophane.
They can’t believe it
Strawberry yogurt!
After the doc is done acting shocked, confused and amused he takes my fingertip into another room to see if it’s well enough to be sewn back on.
I was then escorted to a freezing cold room where the nurse came and told me to “Take everything off and put this on” as she handed me what looked like a large paper towel.
At this point I am already angry about the paperwork and the people there not seeing the urgency of my condition and I was not about to get naked for a doctor to look at my finger.
So I said “No”
She got all bent outa shape
Telling me about policy and shit like that
I told her to go away and she said something about my bad attitude
Yeah, my attitude was bad.
I fucking cut my finger off goddammit
The doc comes in with an 18 inch needle (ok maybe not that big but that’s how I remember it) and he said “this will sting just a little” which is secret doctor code for “its gonna hurt like a mutherfucker”
Then he stuck that giant needle between my fingers, you know, in the little webby part.
Well after all this yelling and lecturing and sewing and gluing
I got my fingertip back and we went home to eat.
When we got there the dinner was gone.
It wasn’t in the fridge
It wasn’t on the counter in tupperware to take with us
Where was it you ask?
I’ll tell you where it was
It was in the dumpster!
Untouched
The entire meal Granny Bitch tossed it because
I “ruined it”
And "how do we know she doesn't have aids?"
Needless to say I didn’t marry the then boyfriend
The raccoons and possums got a fine meal that night
And I still hate going to the doctor
I have to make a Dr. appointment today
I hate going to the doctor
Once I cut the tip of my finger off
That’s right
I said off
It was on Thanksgiving 1990
I was meeting my then boyfriend’s relatives for the first time
They asked me if I wanted to cut the ham
I LOVE ham
I said yes, of course and the granny handed me an electric knife
She said “careful dear, it’s very sharp” I was thinking “what does she I am, 12 years old?” I had never used an electric knife before All eyes were on me as I started to slice that big fat ham when all of the sudden I saw what appeared to be blood squirting all over the ham and the potatoes and the turkey and the pie and the corn ….. Well you get the picture I didn’t feel a thing It happened so fast I just saw blood all over the thanksgiving dinner The granny was giving me that “I told you it was sharp” look I didn’t like her The bitch Anyway My then boyfriend said he knew what to do He said we were to put it (it being my fingertip) in a cup of cold milk Well the cup had no top and the milk spilled Then the father, son of granny bitch, said it wasn’t milk but yogurt that we needed So my then boyfriend gets a cigarette cellophane and puts my fingertip and a tablespoon or so of strawberry yogurt in it and we head out the door to the UW Hospital The hospital was pretty empty but the lady at the desk acted like she was swamped I said “I cut my finger off” as I showed her the blood-soaked towel that was wrapped around my right hand. She said “Fill out these forms….” I was like “WHAT THE FUCK, Didn’t you hear me? I didn’t say I cut my finger, I said I cut my finger OFF” She still insisted I fill out the forms The bitch Probably related to the then boyfriend’s granny So as I sit there in the waiting area bleeding to death my then boyfriend finds someone that works there and shows him what he has in the cigarette cellophane. They can’t believe it Strawberry yogurt! After the doc is done acting shocked, confused and amused he takes my fingertip into another room to see if it’s well enough to be sewn back on. I was then escorted to a freezing cold room where the nurse came and told me to “Take everything off and put this on” as she handed me what looked like a large paper towel. At this point I am already angry about the paperwork and the people there not seeing the urgency of my condition and I was not about to get naked for a doctor to look at my finger. So I said “No” She got all bent outa shape Telling me about policy and shit like that I told her to go away and she said something about my bad attitude Yeah, my attitude was bad. I fucking cut my finger off goddammit The doc comes in with an 18 inch needle (ok maybe not that big but that’s how I remember it) and he said “this will sting just a little” which is doctor code for “its gonna hurt like a mutherfucker” Then he stuck that giant needle between my fingers, you know, in the little webby part. Well after all this yelling and lecturing and sewing and gluing, I got my finger back and we went home to eat. When we got there the dinner was gone. It wasn’t in the fridge It wasn’t on the counter Where was it you ask? I’ll tell you where it was It was in the dumpster! Untouched The entire meal Granny Bitch tossed it because I “ruined it” Needless to say I didn’t marry the then boyfriend and the raccoons and possums got a fine meal that night But I still hate going to the docto
I hate going to the doctor
Once I cut the tip of my finger off
That’s right
I said off
It was on Thanksgiving 1990
I was meeting my then boyfriend’s relatives for the first time
They asked me if I wanted to cut the ham
I LOVE ham
I said yes, of course and the granny handed me an electric knife
She said “careful dear, it’s very sharp” I was thinking “what does she I am, 12 years old?” I had never used an electric knife before All eyes were on me as I started to slice that big fat ham when all of the sudden I saw what appeared to be blood squirting all over the ham and the potatoes and the turkey and the pie and the corn ….. Well you get the picture I didn’t feel a thing It happened so fast I just saw blood all over the thanksgiving dinner The granny was giving me that “I told you it was sharp” look I didn’t like her The bitch Anyway My then boyfriend said he knew what to do He said we were to put it (it being my fingertip) in a cup of cold milk Well the cup had no top and the milk spilled Then the father, son of granny bitch, said it wasn’t milk but yogurt that we needed So my then boyfriend gets a cigarette cellophane and puts my fingertip and a tablespoon or so of strawberry yogurt in it and we head out the door to the UW Hospital The hospital was pretty empty but the lady at the desk acted like she was swamped I said “I cut my finger off” as I showed her the blood-soaked towel that was wrapped around my right hand. She said “Fill out these forms….” I was like “WHAT THE FUCK, Didn’t you hear me? I didn’t say I cut my finger, I said I cut my finger OFF” She still insisted I fill out the forms The bitch Probably related to the then boyfriend’s granny So as I sit there in the waiting area bleeding to death my then boyfriend finds someone that works there and shows him what he has in the cigarette cellophane. They can’t believe it Strawberry yogurt! After the doc is done acting shocked, confused and amused he takes my fingertip into another room to see if it’s well enough to be sewn back on. I was then escorted to a freezing cold room where the nurse came and told me to “Take everything off and put this on” as she handed me what looked like a large paper towel. At this point I am already angry about the paperwork and the people there not seeing the urgency of my condition and I was not about to get naked for a doctor to look at my finger. So I said “No” She got all bent outa shape Telling me about policy and shit like that I told her to go away and she said something about my bad attitude Yeah, my attitude was bad. I fucking cut my finger off goddammit The doc comes in with an 18 inch needle (ok maybe not that big but that’s how I remember it) and he said “this will sting just a little” which is doctor code for “its gonna hurt like a mutherfucker” Then he stuck that giant needle between my fingers, you know, in the little webby part. Well after all this yelling and lecturing and sewing and gluing, I got my finger back and we went home to eat. When we got there the dinner was gone. It wasn’t in the fridge It wasn’t on the counter Where was it you ask? I’ll tell you where it was It was in the dumpster! Untouched The entire meal Granny Bitch tossed it because I “ruined it” Needless to say I didn’t marry the then boyfriend and the raccoons and possums got a fine meal that night But I still hate going to the docto
The 48 Laws of Power
The 48 Laws of Power
by Robert Greene and Joost Elffers
Law 1
Never Outshine the Master
Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.
Law 2
Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies
Be wary of friends-they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them.
Law 3
Conceal your Intentions
Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. If they have no clue what you are up to, they cannot prepare a defense. Guide them far enough down the wrong path, envelope them in enough smoke, and by the time they realize your intentions, it will be too late.
Law 4
Always Say Less than Necessary
When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.
Law 5
So Much Depends on Reputation – Guard it with your Life
Reputation is the cornerstone of power. Through reputation alone you can intimidate and win; once you slip, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides. Make your reputation unassailable. Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen. Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations. Then stand aside and let public opinion hang them.
Law 6
Court Attention at all Cost
Everything is judged by its appearance; what is unseen counts for nothing. Never let yourself get lost in the crowd, then, or buried in oblivion. Stand out. Be conspicuous, at all cost. Make yourself a magnet of attention by appearing larger, more colorful, more mysterious, than the bland and timid masses.
Law 7
Get others to do the Work for you, but Always Take the Credit
Use the wisdom, knowledge, and legwork of other people to further your own cause. Not only will such assistance save you valuable time and energy, it will give you a godlike aura of efficiency and speed. In the end your helpers will be forgotten and you will be remembered. Never do yourself what others can do for you.
Law 8
Make other People come to you – use Bait if Necessary
When you force the other person to act, you are the one in control. It is always better to make your opponent come to you, abandoning his own plans in the process. Lure him with fabulous gains – then attack. You hold the cards.
Law 9
Win through your Actions, Never through Argument
Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.
Law 10
Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky
You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.
Law 11
Learn to Keep People Dependent on You
To maintain your independence you must always be needed and wanted. The more you are relied on, the more freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear. Never teach them enough so that they can do without you.
Law 12
Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm your Victim
One sincere and honest move will cover over dozens of dishonest ones. Open-hearted gestures of honesty and generosity bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people. Once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can deceive and manipulate them at will. A timely gift – a Trojan horse – will serve the same purpose.
Law 13
When Asking for Help, Appeal to People’s Self-Interest,
Never to their Mercy or Gratitude
If you need to turn to an ally for help, do not bother to remind him of your past assistance and good deeds. He will find a way to ignore you. Instead, uncover something in your request, or in your alliance with him, that will benefit him, and emphasize it out of all proportion. He will respond enthusiastically when he sees something to be gained for himself.
Law 14
Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy
Knowing about your rival is critical. Use spies to gather valuable information that will keep you a step ahead. Better still: Play the spy yourself. In polite social encounters, learn to probe. Ask indirect questions to get people to reveal their weaknesses and intentions. There is no occasion that is not an opportunity for artful spying.
Law 15
Crush your Enemy Totally
All great leaders since Moses have known that a feared enemy must be crushed completely. (Sometimes they have learned this the hard way.) If one ember is left alight, no matter how dimly it smolders, a fire will eventually break out. More is lost through stopping halfway than through total annihilation: The enemy will recover, and will seek revenge. Crush him, not only in body but in spirit.
Law 16
Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor
Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.
Law 17
Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability
Humans are creatures of habit with an insatiable need to see familiarity in other people’s actions. Your predictability gives them a sense of control. Turn the tables: Be deliberately unpredictable. Behavior that seems to have no consistency or purpose will keep them off-balance, and they will wear themselves out trying to explain your moves. Taken to an extreme, this strategy can intimidate and terrorize.
Law 18
Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself – Isolation is Dangerous
The world is dangerous and enemies are everywhere – everyone has to protect themselves. A fortress seems the safest. But isolation exposes you to more dangers than it protects you from – it cuts you off from valuable information, it makes you conspicuous and an easy target. Better to circulate among people find allies, mingle. You are shielded from your enemies by the crowd.
Law 19
Know Who You’re Dealing with – Do Not Offend the Wrong Person
There are many different kinds of people in the world, and you can never assume that everyone will react to your strategies in the same way. Deceive or outmaneuver some people and they will spend the rest of their lives seeking revenge. They are wolves in lambs’ clothing. Choose your victims and opponents carefully, then – never offend or deceive the wrong person.
Law 20
Do Not Commit to Anyone
It is the fool who always rushes to take sides. Do not commit to any side or cause but yourself. By maintaining your independence, you become the master of others – playing people against one another, making them pursue you.
Law 21
Play a Sucker to Catch a Sucker – Seem Dumber than your Mark
No one likes feeling stupider than the next persons. The trick, is to make your victims feel smart – and not just smart, but smarter than you are. Once convinced of this, they will never suspect that you may have ulterior motives.
Law 22
Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power
When you are weaker, never fight for honor’s sake; choose surrender instead. Surrender gives you time to recover, time to torment and irritate your conqueror, time to wait for his power to wane. Do not give him the satisfaction of fighting and defeating you – surrender first. By turning the other check you infuriate and unsettle him. Make surrender a tool of power.
Law 23
Concentrate Your Forces
Conserve your forces and energies by keeping them concentrated at their strongest point. You gain more by finding a rich mine and mining it deeper, than by flitting from one shallow mine to another – intensity defeats extensity every time. When looking for sources of power to elevate you, find the one key patron, the fat cow who will give you milk for a long time to come.
Law 24
Play the Perfect Courtier
The perfect courtier thrives in a world where everything revolves around power and political dexterity. He has mastered the art of indirection; he flatters, yields to superiors, and asserts power over others in the mot oblique and graceful manner. Learn and apply the laws of courtiership and there will be no limit to how far you can rise in the court.
Law 25
Re-Create Yourself
Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define if for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions – your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.
Law 26
Keep Your Hands Clean
You must seem a paragon of civility and efficiency: Your hands are never soiled by mistakes and nasty deeds. Maintain such a spotless appearance by using others as scapegoats and cat’s-paws to disguise your involvement.
Law 27
Play on People’s Need to Believe to Create a Cultlike Following
People have an overwhelming desire to believe in something. Become the focal point of such desire by offering them a cause, a new faith to follow. Keep your words vague but full of promise; emphasize enthusiasm over rationality and clear thinking. Give your new disciples rituals to perform, ask them to make sacrifices on your behalf. In the absence of organized religion and grand causes, your new belief system will bring you untold power.
Law 28
Enter Action with Boldness
If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honors the timid.
Law 29
Plan All the Way to the End
The ending is everything. Plan all the way to it, taking into account all the possible consequences, obstacles, and twists of fortune that might reverse your hard work and give the glory to others. By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you will know when to stop. Gently guide fortune and help determine the future by thinking far ahead.
Law 30
Make your Accomplishments Seem Effortless
Your actions must seem natural and executed with ease. All the toil and practice that go into them, and also all the clever tricks, must be concealed. When you act, act effortlessly, as if you could do much more. Avoid the temptation of revealing how hard you work – it only raises questions. Teach no one your tricks or they will be used against you.
Law 31
Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards you Deal
The best deceptions are the ones that seem to give the other person a choice: Your victims feel they are in control, but are actually your puppets. Give people options that come out in your favor whichever one they choose. Force them to make choices between the lesser of two evils, both of which serve your purpose. Put them on the horns of a dilemma: They are gored wherever they turn.
Law 32
Play to People’s Fantasies
The truth is often avoided because it is ugly and unpleasant. Never appeal to truth and reality unless you are prepared for the anger that comes for disenchantment. Life is so harsh and distressing that people who can manufacture romance or conjure up fantasy are like oases in the desert: Everyone flocks to them. There is great power in tapping into the fantasies of the masses.
Law 33
Discover Each Man’s Thumbscrew
Everyone has a weakness, a gap in the castle wall. That weakness is usual y an insecurity, an uncontrollable emotion or need; it can also be a small secret pleasure. Either way, once found, it is a thumbscrew you can turn to your advantage.
Law 34
Be Royal in your Own Fashion: Act like a King to be treated like one
The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated; In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you. For a king respects himself and inspires the same sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.
Law 35
Master the Art of Timing
Never seem to be in a hurry – hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself, and over time. Always seem patient, as if you know that everything will come to you eventually. Become a detective of the right moment; sniff out the spirit of the times, the trends that will carry you to power. Learn to stand back when the time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely when it has reached fruition.
Law 36
Disdain Things you cannot have: Ignoring them is the best Revenge
By acknowledging a petty problem you give it existence and credibility. The more attention you pay an enemy, the stronger you make him; and a small mistake is often made worse and more visible when you try to fix it. It is sometimes best to leave things alone. If there is something you want but cannot have, show contempt for it. The less interest you reveal, the more superior you seem.
Law 37
Create Compelling Spectacles
Striking imagery and grand symbolic gestures create the aura of power – everyone responds to them. Stage spectacles for those around you, then full of arresting visuals and radiant symbols that heighten your presence. Dazzled by appearances, no one will notice what you are really doing.
Law 38
Think as you like but Behave like others
If you make a show of going against the times, flaunting your unconventional ideas and unorthodox ways, people will think that you only want attention and that you look down upon them. They will find a way to punish you for making them feel inferior. It is far safer to blend in and nurture the common touch. Share your originality only with tolerant friends and those who are sure to appreciate your uniqueness.
Law 39
Stir up Waters to Catch Fish
Anger and emotion are strategically counterproductive. You must always stay calm and objective. But if you can make your enemies angry while staying calm yourself, you gain a decided advantage. Put your enemies off-balance: Find the chink in their vanity through which you can rattle them and you hold the strings.
Law 40
Despise the Free Lunch
What is offered for free is dangerous – it usually involves either a trick or a hidden obligation. What has worth is worth paying for. By paying your own way you stay clear of gratitude, guilt, and deceit. It is also often wise to pay the full price – there is no cutting corners with excellence. Be lavish with your money and keep it circulating, for generosity is a sign and a magnet for power.
Law 41
Avoid Stepping into a Great Man’s Shoes
What happens first always appears better and more original than what comes after. If you succeed a great man or have a famous parent, you will have to accomplish double their achievements to outshine them. Do not get lost in their shadow, or stuck in a past not of your own making: Establish your own name and identity by changing course. Slay the overbearing father, disparage his legacy, and gain power by shining in your own way.
Law 42
Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will Scatter
Trouble can often be traced to a single strong individual – the stirrer, the arrogant underling, the poisoned of goodwill. If you allow such people room to operate, others will succumb to their influence. Do not wait for the troubles they cause to multiply, do not try to negotiate with them – they are irredeemable. Neutralize their influence by isolating or banishing them. Strike at the source of the trouble and the sheep will scatter.
Law 43
Work on the Hearts and Minds of Others
Coercion creates a reaction that will eventually work against you. You must seduce others into wanting to move in your direction. A person you have seduced becomes your loyal pawn. And the way to seduce others is to operate on their individual psychologies and weaknesses. Soften up the resistant by working on their emotions, playing on what they hold dear and what they fear. Ignore the hearts and minds of others and they will grow to hate you.
Law 44
Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect
The mirror reflects reality, but it is also the perfect tool for deception: When you mirror your enemies, doing exactly as they do, they cannot figure out your strategy. The Mirror Effect mocks and humiliates them, making them overreact. By holding up a mirror to their psyches, you seduce them with the illusion that you share their values; by holding up a mirror to their actions, you teach them a lesson. Few can resist the power of Mirror Effect.
Law 45
Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once
Everyone understands the need for change in the abstract, but on the day-to-day level people are creatures of habit. Too much innovation is traumatic, and will lead to revolt. If you are new to a position of power, or an outsider trying to build a power base, make a show of respecting the old way of doing things. If change is necessary, make it feel like a gentle improvement on the past.
Law 46
Never appear too Perfect
Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weaknesses. Envy creates silent enemies. It is smart to occasionally display defects, and admit to harmless vices, in order to deflect envy and appear more human and approachable. Only gods and the dead can seem perfect with impunity.
Law 47
Do not go Past the Mark you Aimed for; In Victory, Learn when to Stop
The moment of victory is often the moment of greatest peril. In the heat of victory, arrogance and overconfidence can push you past the goal you had aimed for, and by going too far, you make more enemies than you defeat. Do not allow success to go to your head. There is no substitute for strategy and careful planning. Set a goal, and when you reach it, stop.
Law 48
Assume Formlessness
By taking a shape, by having a visible plan, you open yourself to attack. Instead of taking a form for your enemy to grasp, keep yourself adaptable and on the move. Accept the fact that nothing is certain and no law is fixed. The best way to protect yourself is to be as fluid and formless as water; never bet on stability or lasting order. Everything changes.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Why I Hate Camping
Memorial Day weekend
We had the brilliant idea to leave for our camping trip on Saturday morning
By "we" I mean the dumbfuck, his dumb friend, myself and the babies
Of course everyone else in the world was already there so we couldn’t find a spot
We drove in the rain
With one electric window half way down because it was busted
We drove in circles
And squares
And triangles
And in circles again
We were looking for someone we knew who said they “might” be at this campsite
We drove til we were out of gas
Then we had no choice but to park
right on the road
Next to the river
I stuffed a towel in the busted electric window because it was raining like mad and I didn’t want the babies to get wet and cold
Chase was 2
Zachary was 1
We planned this camping trip way ahead of time
Things were all worked out
Should have gone off without a hitch
Anyway
Here we are
Parked on the riverbank
Out of gas
Hungry
Cold
Really hungry
I make the decision to go home
Of course no one agrees with me so we unload everything
Tents
Coolers
Playpen
Swing
Dirt bikes
Etc
We set up camp in a spot that isn’t for campers
Seems OK tho
That is until the park ranger comes and tells us there is a burn ban
Camping without a campfire
This should be fun
Never mind the fire for now tho
We are starving
I pop open the cooler that I had told the idiot to fill
It’s empty!
Nothing in there but ice
“Where is all the food?” I ask
“What food?” he replies
“OMG! I told you to pack the cooler didn’t I?”
“I did pack it….. I packed it with ice”
Ok camping in the rain
2 babies
No campfire
No food
Fuck it
Let’s get some beer
We walk
MILES
Who knows how many
We get to the “store”
“WTF do you mean you are all out of beer?” I say to the cashier of what looked noything like a store and a lot like the rec room at an old folks home
It’s a big camping holiday
Everyone is here
They have been since Friday
With food
And beer
Everyone but us that is
We just got here
And we have no food
No gas
And now no beer
On the way back we talk to some other campers
They feel sorry for us and give us some toaster waffles
MMMMMMMM frozen waffles with no way to warm em up
Oh well
I guess it’s better than nothing
No its not
It’s gross
I have an Idea
Let’s go fishing!
It’s getting dark now
Very dark since there are no campfires
Everyone is catching trout after trout
We toss em back since we have no way to cook em
And even if there was a way we would have needed about 50 of those little fish stick sized fuckers
Well I shouldn’t say “we”
I didn’t toss back a trout at all
I got a bite tho
I reeled and reeled
I thought I hooked a monster
I was yelling FISH ON!
Everyone came to see
They came to see as my line came flying out of the water
And up into a tree
What I had hooked wasn’t even a fish
It was a damned fruit bat
That night the kids and I slept in the car because the idiot forgot to sweep off the rocks before setting up the tent
Woke up to a deer and a chipmunk finishing off our uneaten waffles
Had to pee
No fucken paper
At least it wasn’t raining
Decided to wash my hair in the river
Put the kids in the pen
Stuck my head in the water
It must have been colder than my fingers told me it was
I got a huge head rush and fell into the river with my clothes on
I was freezing
Went into the tent to get dry clothes
Some stupid fucker forgot to zip the rain fly all the way
Guess whose stuff got soaked?
That’s right
Mine
So all that’s left to do is wear a stupid fucker’s stupid sweat pants
He’s 6 foot 1
I’m 5 foot 1
The waist came to my neck but at least they were dry
Later we walked about 5 miles in the mud to see some sort of frog migration from the river to the lake
Turns out the migration was over the day before
And it went across the dirt road
So all we saw were hundreds of dead squished frogs
Walking back I said I was fed up and hungry and wet and cold and I wanted to go to a hotel or back home
He promised after dirt biking he would walk and get gas and food
That was at 1pm
9pm rolled around and I was starving so I ate some baby food and what was left of the chipmunk’s breakfast
Still no site of Mr. I’m gonna go get gas
I thought MAYBE he took the dirt bike to the gas station
Which was about 20 miles away
But then I saw the gas can sitting next to a log
It was cold
And dark
No campfire
No food
Alone with two babies
On the side of dead frog road
Next to a raging river
That’s when a ranger shows up
He’s just out spreading the news that a mother and her two toddlers have been missing in that river for 2 hrs
God I wanna go home
The rain started
I got in the car with the kids
The towel in the window is soaked and dripping all over me but the kids are sprawled out asleep in the dry spot so I just sit and get soaked
10 pm rolls around
I’m angry
I decide to turn on the radio
Fell asleep with the radio on
Battery died
Dumbfuck shows up at 2am
Soaked
Covered in mud
No bike
Had crashed
Walked about 16 miles back to the car
The car with no battery and no gas
I was so pist I took my babies and I went campsite to campsite
Offering people money to drive us home
That’s when I ran into the friend that said he might be up there
He had a motor home
With a bathroom
And toilet paper
Towels
Food
I told of my horrible time
He cooked dinner and we ate while deciding whether or not to stop and pick up the stupid fucker
We decided we should
Went to where the car was
No stupid fucker was there
Nor his stupid fucking friend
Waited
Waited
Waited some more
It’s a long drive home
Let’s get the fuck outa here
what about dumb an dumber?
Fuck that stupid fucker and his stupid fucking friend
On the way home we see 2 stupid fuckers walking in the rain
Stop
Offer them a ride
A ride home
Nope
Can’t leave the dirt bike
Gotta get gas
Gotta find and fix the bike
We’ll go home tomorrow
NO FUCKING WAY
I’m going home NOW
And we’ll have to see if you have a home when and if you ever make it back
Never did find out about the mom and her kids
But I think of them every Memorial Day weekend
Took the stupid fucker three days to find and fix the bike get gas and a jump start
Those “babies” of mine are 13 and 14 now
When they go camping
I stay home
I haven’t been camping since
Edited by yours truly for forgetfulness
The moral?
The moral of story is: Never fish for fruit bats on deadfrog road during a burn ban in the rain (I know, burn ban, rain, makes no damn sense) while suicidal frogs are migrating on Memorial Day Weekend with a stupid fucker and his stupid fucking friend.
And I hope you learned something else too
If everyone had listened to me in the first place this never would have happened
Stupid fucking fuckers never fucking listen
We had the brilliant idea to leave for our camping trip on Saturday morning
By "we" I mean the dumbfuck, his dumb friend, myself and the babies
Of course everyone else in the world was already there so we couldn’t find a spot
We drove in the rain
With one electric window half way down because it was busted
We drove in circles
And squares
And triangles
And in circles again
We were looking for someone we knew who said they “might” be at this campsite
We drove til we were out of gas
Then we had no choice but to park
right on the road
Next to the river
I stuffed a towel in the busted electric window because it was raining like mad and I didn’t want the babies to get wet and cold
Chase was 2
Zachary was 1
We planned this camping trip way ahead of time
Things were all worked out
Should have gone off without a hitch
Anyway
Here we are
Parked on the riverbank
Out of gas
Hungry
Cold
Really hungry
I make the decision to go home
Of course no one agrees with me so we unload everything
Tents
Coolers
Playpen
Swing
Dirt bikes
Etc
We set up camp in a spot that isn’t for campers
Seems OK tho
That is until the park ranger comes and tells us there is a burn ban
Camping without a campfire
This should be fun
Never mind the fire for now tho
We are starving
I pop open the cooler that I had told the idiot to fill
It’s empty!
Nothing in there but ice
“Where is all the food?” I ask
“What food?” he replies
“OMG! I told you to pack the cooler didn’t I?”
“I did pack it….. I packed it with ice”
Ok camping in the rain
2 babies
No campfire
No food
Fuck it
Let’s get some beer
We walk
MILES
Who knows how many
We get to the “store”
“WTF do you mean you are all out of beer?” I say to the cashier of what looked noything like a store and a lot like the rec room at an old folks home
It’s a big camping holiday
Everyone is here
They have been since Friday
With food
And beer
Everyone but us that is
We just got here
And we have no food
No gas
And now no beer
On the way back we talk to some other campers
They feel sorry for us and give us some toaster waffles
MMMMMMMM frozen waffles with no way to warm em up
Oh well
I guess it’s better than nothing
No its not
It’s gross
I have an Idea
Let’s go fishing!
It’s getting dark now
Very dark since there are no campfires
Everyone is catching trout after trout
We toss em back since we have no way to cook em
And even if there was a way we would have needed about 50 of those little fish stick sized fuckers
Well I shouldn’t say “we”
I didn’t toss back a trout at all
I got a bite tho
I reeled and reeled
I thought I hooked a monster
I was yelling FISH ON!
Everyone came to see
They came to see as my line came flying out of the water
And up into a tree
What I had hooked wasn’t even a fish
It was a damned fruit bat
That night the kids and I slept in the car because the idiot forgot to sweep off the rocks before setting up the tent
Woke up to a deer and a chipmunk finishing off our uneaten waffles
Had to pee
No fucken paper
At least it wasn’t raining
Decided to wash my hair in the river
Put the kids in the pen
Stuck my head in the water
It must have been colder than my fingers told me it was
I got a huge head rush and fell into the river with my clothes on
I was freezing
Went into the tent to get dry clothes
Some stupid fucker forgot to zip the rain fly all the way
Guess whose stuff got soaked?
That’s right
Mine
So all that’s left to do is wear a stupid fucker’s stupid sweat pants
He’s 6 foot 1
I’m 5 foot 1
The waist came to my neck but at least they were dry
Later we walked about 5 miles in the mud to see some sort of frog migration from the river to the lake
Turns out the migration was over the day before
And it went across the dirt road
So all we saw were hundreds of dead squished frogs
Walking back I said I was fed up and hungry and wet and cold and I wanted to go to a hotel or back home
He promised after dirt biking he would walk and get gas and food
That was at 1pm
9pm rolled around and I was starving so I ate some baby food and what was left of the chipmunk’s breakfast
Still no site of Mr. I’m gonna go get gas
I thought MAYBE he took the dirt bike to the gas station
Which was about 20 miles away
But then I saw the gas can sitting next to a log
It was cold
And dark
No campfire
No food
Alone with two babies
On the side of dead frog road
Next to a raging river
That’s when a ranger shows up
He’s just out spreading the news that a mother and her two toddlers have been missing in that river for 2 hrs
God I wanna go home
The rain started
I got in the car with the kids
The towel in the window is soaked and dripping all over me but the kids are sprawled out asleep in the dry spot so I just sit and get soaked
10 pm rolls around
I’m angry
I decide to turn on the radio
Fell asleep with the radio on
Battery died
Dumbfuck shows up at 2am
Soaked
Covered in mud
No bike
Had crashed
Walked about 16 miles back to the car
The car with no battery and no gas
I was so pist I took my babies and I went campsite to campsite
Offering people money to drive us home
That’s when I ran into the friend that said he might be up there
He had a motor home
With a bathroom
And toilet paper
Towels
Food
I told of my horrible time
He cooked dinner and we ate while deciding whether or not to stop and pick up the stupid fucker
We decided we should
Went to where the car was
No stupid fucker was there
Nor his stupid fucking friend
Waited
Waited
Waited some more
It’s a long drive home
Let’s get the fuck outa here
what about dumb an dumber?
Fuck that stupid fucker and his stupid fucking friend
On the way home we see 2 stupid fuckers walking in the rain
Stop
Offer them a ride
A ride home
Nope
Can’t leave the dirt bike
Gotta get gas
Gotta find and fix the bike
We’ll go home tomorrow
NO FUCKING WAY
I’m going home NOW
And we’ll have to see if you have a home when and if you ever make it back
Never did find out about the mom and her kids
But I think of them every Memorial Day weekend
Took the stupid fucker three days to find and fix the bike get gas and a jump start
Those “babies” of mine are 13 and 14 now
When they go camping
I stay home
I haven’t been camping since
Edited by yours truly for forgetfulness
The moral?
The moral of story is: Never fish for fruit bats on deadfrog road during a burn ban in the rain (I know, burn ban, rain, makes no damn sense) while suicidal frogs are migrating on Memorial Day Weekend with a stupid fucker and his stupid fucking friend.
And I hope you learned something else too
If everyone had listened to me in the first place this never would have happened
Stupid fucking fuckers never fucking listen
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